The unresolved grief that permeates our lives, and how to talk about it.
Since the COVID pandemic began in March of 2020, we’ve all likely lost something — some things little, some big. Some losses may have been final, such as the loss of a loved one, or a job, while others may be less definite. When a loss lacks a conclusion, they are what some may refer to as an “ambiguous loss.”
The term itself, was coined by Pauline Boss, Author of “Ambiguous Loss, Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief.” Boss, who is known as a pioneer in the interdisciplinary study of family stress, describes ambiguous loss in two ways:
- A psychological loss, ie. the loss of a loved one as you once knew them due to dementia, for example.
- A physical loss, for example a missing soldier in action.
Both types of loss lack finality; there is no death certificate or official notice, which makes the grieving process complicated.
In an interview with Boss by Meg Bernhard in the NY Times, Boss points out that:
“Freudian notions of grieving have taught us that mourning is a process leading to detachment — a sort of closure.”
In her newest book, “The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change,” Boss examines models such as “Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s linear “five stages of grief” model — which implies that if we work hard enough and follow certain steps, we’ll be able to get over our losses within a reasonable timeline.” She points out however, that “many losses do not follow such models, and our reliance on them does not equip us to cope.”
For as much as topics rooted in ambiguity like miscarriage or divorce impact our lives, I’ve found that many struggle to find the language to truly talk about them. Hell, we don’t even have Hallmark cards to send condolences for these kinds of losses. The irony is that despite this general discomfort, as Boss states, “ambiguous loss is so common in people’s lives.”
Throughout my first experience with ambiguous loss, I remember people would often say to me, “You’ll get through it” — which was always puzzling to me. Are you sure about that?
Looking back at my 14-year-old self, I think the words I needed to hear were more akin to, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this.” Perhaps it sounds cliché, but for me, this is the best way to acknowledge the difficulty of the situation, without creating false hopes made through a statement like: “I’m sure it will get better soon.”
I recognize that some who are grieving prefer “not to talk about it;” but I also know that many feel support when we at least acknowledge their situation. Even if we fumble to find the words, it could mean so much to someone who is grieving if we just asked, “How are you doing?”
It’s understood that a response may most likely be something less than “much better, thanks!” which is okay, because something as simple as “I am sorry” is perfectly acceptable. Some people may feel uncomfortable just thinking about this scenario playing out, but it’s a discomfort we need to become more familiar with, for the sake of expressing that we care.
Boss says it best in On Being‘s podcast episode “Navigating Loss without Closure” with Krista Tippett: “Probably the only honest thing you can say (if you feel it) is, “I am sorry.” …because “we can’t fix it.”
Since we all will experience loss at some point in our lives, the more comfortable we become with the language, the more we can be there for each other when they happen.
