In a very unscientific survey of our family and friends, my husband and I came to a conclusion: we wanted an age gap between our kids.
That’s right. I said it. I’m going out on a limb and against the grain on this one!
Survey Says
There is a 76-month age gap between my kids. According to the CDC, only 16% of parents also wait this long, or longer.
For comparison, about half of parents conceive their next child before their firstborn is 2 1/2 years old.
We’re only about 18 months into our experience, so I asked friends to talk about their experiences. Friend C is 10 years younger than her sister and friend W is in the middle of a 20 year age gap. (Their quotes included below.)
(Important factors like divorce and re-marriage certainly affect family dynamics and birth spacing. Those would be fascinating to further explore another day.)
Getting it Over With
How many times have you heard parents say they just want to be done with _____ stage as quickly as possible? That’s completely valid. Does anyone like changing diapers? Or getting up during the night? So why do it for any longer than necessary?
Personally, I see too much stress in that statement. Getting a stage over as quickly as possible, especially when it means doubling up on the work (such as having two kids in diapers at the same time), is more than I can handle.
There’s something to be said about savoring a developmental stage for all of its qualities. Another mom once awed over my kids’ age gap, wishing she could go back and slow things down. How many other parents like this are out there, feeling rushed to get it over with?
We had a nice long 4½ year long vacation from diapers… during which, a lovely amnesia set in, telling us that revisiting diapers, sleepless nights, and endless bottle washing wouldn’t be a big deal. I’m happy to report that it worked out! It was like riding a bike. We quickly remembered our baby care-taking skills and felt more confident the second time around (thanks to a few more years of parenting reality under our belts.)
Let’s be Friends
There’s the argument that siblings born closer together are more likely to be friends. They grow up with similar interests and are in similar developmental stages, so it’s easier to pick activities that they will both enjoy.
Again, I get that. The older child may feel held back while the younger one falls into the “pesky little brother” role. It’s so much easier to find, say, a playground, for kids with similar abilities.
But remember, kids are SO creative! They can make games out of anything. The big kid will climb to the top of the big structure while the baby enjoys crawling up and down the steps, over and over and over. The situation works itself out with parallel play.
Bonus, there’s less competition for resources, whether it be specific objects or emotional needs. (Parents – this can be so refreshing!)
“[T]he large age gaps cause us to be at different life stages. [My older sister] was having children when I was going to college/partying stage and [my younger sister] was in grade school. We have never fought over silly stuff like having to share toys or clothes.” -W
If a conflict does arise and little sibling NEEDS to be doing whatever big sibling does, an educational opportunity opens up. Big sis is old enough and mature enough to rationalize the fact that little bro is still irrational. A bit of patience is added back into the situation and big sis becomes the sage, glowing teacher. Little bro devours her attention and a bond is strengthened between them.
The Personality Pickle
Personality traits have more influence over friendship than age does. Remember all the kids you went to school with? They were all your age, but you became friends with those you clicked with and avoided those you couldn’t stand. Why would siblings be any different? (Because we tell them to? Ha, ha…)
My kids are both goofy and creative, creating a healthy dynamic that is working well.
In contrast, a friend adds,
“We kind of drove each other crazy in those years (basically, the same arguments we still have). I was a little kid and was too high energy for her, and she was a dramatic, high-strung teenager.” – C
But she goes on to explain that even if personalities initially clash, the opportunity for a unique bond opens up.
“We definitely grew to like each other more when she went to college (when I was in 4th-7th grades). I actually went to visit her for either weekends or whole weeks while she was at [college]. We finally really became friends when I went to college and we were able to do ‘grownup stuff’ together.” – C
With time, the gap and differences become less obvious. Another friend echoes with,
“We have been able to become closer now we are all adults and can have more relate-able conversations/ life experiences.” – W
The Burden of Responsibility
“I know from [my sister’s] perspective she didn’t always love being my automatic babysitter.” -C
I’m trying to be mindful of this potential trap. My oldest is responsible enough to watch her brother while I run out of the room, but I keep it to a minute or two at most. She helps entertain him, but just so long as she genuinely enjoys it.
I’m still Mom to both of them and I do my best to keep the burden of childcare off of her. (For now. Ok, so I’m really looking forward to more date nights with my husband!) But on the other hand, there are some things that only a big sibling can provide.
“I have a second mom. I could always go to her with issues that I didn’t want to discuss with my mom (like boys and friend issues.) At 30 and 40 years old, we are each other’s support systems.” -C
Now or Never?
Now for the biggest issue here – the exact spacing of pregnancies isn’t 100% under our control. We don’t all start in our 20’s, giving us ample usage of our given fertility. Finances are crucial and housing gets complicated. Even when all of these stars align, getting pregnant doesn’t happen right away for everyone trying.
I get it when waiting sounds like a gamble. That’s how it felt to us, too. Our plan had been to wait a few years, but my chronic illnesses made us wait even longer. Were we going to miss out? It didn’t help that the rest of the world kept asking, “When are you going to have another one??” This phrase is just the worst and I’ve since learned how incredibly rude it is to ask.
On the flip side, once you hit the 4 to 5-year mark, it’s amazing how everyone suddenly stops asking…
But you know what? Babies show up when they’re meant to. Early, late, all at once, one, or many… We welcome them in all fashions!
Don’t fret over the gap. Embrace whatever interval you’re given and never count anyone out. Kids will figure the relationship thing out. People are great like that.
