Gender Disappointment

One year ago this week my family learned that we were expecting baby #3. At the time our boys were 15 months and 3 years old. We were elated! We were already blessed with two amazing boys and couldn’t wait to find out what baby #3 would be!

As the weeks and months ticked by in my pregnancy, the 20-week marker grew closer and closer. Would we find out the sex of the baby? As much as I wished I had the patience to wait until the birth (I admire those who wait so much), the type-A, hyper-planner in me is just unable to wait. It’s just not in my nature. I had to know as soon as possible!

The night before the scheduled ultrasound, I prayed to God for a long time. Not about any specific request for the gender baby #3, but just for peace about whatever God desired for our family. Boy or girl, I told myself over and over again that as long as the baby was healthy I would be excited and happy.

The day came and I drove down to the doctors office barely able to contain my excitement. My husband stayed home with our boys and I asked the ultrasound tech to simply write the gender in the envelope so my husband and I could open together when I returned home. I told the tech how I already had two beautiful boys at home and couldn’t wait to see what gender baby #3 was.

But let’s be honest here: I hoped the ultrasound would reveal I was having a girl.

This probably won’t come as too much of a shock but that morning in March we learned that we were having a third baby BOY.  As I stared at that envelope from the doctor’s office after my husband and I opened it in our kitchen, I was completely taken aback by my feelings. Everything was perfect on the ultrasound. The baby was measuring wonderfully and everything looked exactly like it was supposed to = he was healthy.

But I was a mess. My husband hugged me as I continued to stare at the ultrasound tech’s handwriting: “Congratulations. It’s another boy!” I simply couldn’t hold it together. The tears came and I broke down. My husband and I had discussed that this would probably be our last child. Three boys. Wow. As much as I LOVED my two boys, I was hoping to experience something new. Shopping for pink for the first time. Decorating the nursery in pink and grey and finally putting all my Pinterest “pins” for a girls nursery to use. I was filled with emotions I didn’t even know existed and it was incredibly hard to verbalize what I was feeling. I wanted to experience being pregnant with a daughter. But God had other plans for our family for the time being and I just had to be okay with that and trust in His will.

I was completely flooded with all kinds of emotion as I wrapped my head around those words written on that card –  and the main thing I was feeling was guilt. How could I be disappointed, I kept asking myself. How dare I be ungrateful for the three children God has blessed me with. Of course I am well aware that many would be happy to be in my shoes welcoming healthy babies into their family. I was so angry at myself for feeling anything but gratitude. And the more I struggled with feelings of disappointment, the more upset I got with myself for feeling that way.

A good friend of mine knew I was struggling with my emotions about having another boy. And she gave me the best advice I could have ever asked for: she assured me it was okay to feel the way I was feeling.  She encouraged me that my disappointment didn’t mean that I was ungrateful for what I had and that I was perfectly okay for me to take the time I needed to address my emotions. These were the best pieces of advice anyone could have said to me at the time.

In the spirit of full disclosure, the remainder of the pregnancy was a bit challenging for me.  I couldn’t walk in to Target without my eyes filling with tears as I scanned the girls clothes. And I would choke back more tears each and every time a well meaning stranger would see me chasing my two boys, look at my growing belly, and ask if I “finally got my girl.” Holding back tears I would just smile and say no I was having another adorable little boy and we were thrilled, but it still stung each time I had to discuss it. And each and every time I saw a friend on Facebook announce they are welcoming a little girl to their family, I couldn’t help but have a small twinge of jealousy as I fantasize about life with a little girl. As excited as I was to meet our newest little guy, if I was being honest with myself and everyone else, I was still disappointed that we were not having a girl.

Four months in to life we three boys and I will be brutally honest – it is still a struggle for me. I love my third baby boy just as much as I love the first two. He is my heart and soul and the sweetest baby boy ever. I couldn’t imagine life without him and cannot wait to see the fun (and trouble he gets into) with his two older brothers. Our family is complete for now and I absolutely love my boys more than anything in this world.

Here’s the thing, when I think back on how I envisioned my life growing up, I always knew I would be a mother. And I couldn’t wait to take on that role. But that picture I had in my head of my future family always included a daughter. It just did. I always assumed that was part of the plan. So will I ever get to experience dance lessons, painting her nails, teaching her how to bake, buying her princess clothes, braiding her hair, picking out her wedding dress, and holding her children for the first time? I’m not sure. For the time being and each day I am learning to embrace God’s plan for our family. But what I have learned from this experience is that it is okay for me to be disappointed. It doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for what I have. Our emotions are real and we are entitled to them.