I Bank My PTO (Parenting Time Off) Days

I recently saw a post in a Facebook parent group where a mom was sharing her emotions over a week-long trip her husband was set to take with friends a few months after their baby’s impending birth. I felt for her: the anxiety of parenting alone for an extended period of time, the dread of asking for the help you know you’ll need, the resentment toward your partner who will be off having pure adult fun while you get spit up on.

My husband has hobbies and interests that take him away from the house way longer than mine do. While mine require a two to three hour hiatus from home, his often involve overnight trips. When our firstborn was ten months old, he went to Mexico to fly fish for a week. About a year later, when our second son was seven months old, he went to Belize for another week-long fishing trip.

This may read like I am complaining already, but I assure you I am simply stating facts. 

Now I am going to start complaining. I promise it’ll be over quickly.

Growing Resentment

Sprinkled in between these vacations were a few overnight fishing, hunting and cabin weekends with friends. My resentment of him grew stronger with each trip. It was harder for me to be away from home by virtue of being “Mom”. Our second born refused bottles until he was six months old. He literally didn’t eat for almost six hours one day when I drove to and from Milwaukee for an appointment. And even when I did take an overnight trip this past summer, I couldn’t shed my physical existence as a parent. I went to Chicago to see Def Leppard and Journey in concert, and I had to pump in a (gross, loud, public) bathroom stall and miss a good chunk of the set (I did this during Journey, in case anyone is curious. Not that I don’t like them, I just favor Def Leppard). I also had to wake up in the middle of the night twice and pump under the influence, which was kind of a disaster (I am pretty sure I cried over spilled milk). So when my husband says to me “You can take time away whenever you want to,” it’s just not true. But it’s hard for him to see that.

The Solution

We have two non-nursing toddlers now and it is becoming increasingly easier for me to take trips away from home. They don’t need me in the same physical ways anymore. However, the resentment of my husband and his vacays grew unchecked for a while until I figured out a way to curb it: I started to keep score of all the days he was away. I went all the way back to that first fishing trip and began a tally. I don’t count times that he is gone for a few hours, or even a balance of the day – just when he is gone overnight. Only leisure trips count, and I am lucky that he rarely has to go away for business. I told him that for each day he is gone on overnight trips, I get a “day off” from parenting with which to do whatever I please.

Does this sound petty? Maybe to some people. I truly believe that resentment is the most poisonous element in a relationship. For us, this system is the best antidote. I also believe that parenting should be approached from equal ground whenever possible, and what’s more fair than keeping count and making sure that things are, well . . . equal?

I am currently 12 days behind him in the count, even with a recent weekend away alone to Colorado for my cousin’s wedding, so I have some catching up to do. I don’t mind banking my Parenting Time Off (PTO) days for a while and possibly using them in a few large chunks. I have big plans that will someday come to fruition, especially when the pure busyness of almost all my friends having small babies settles a bit. And like my husband says, I can get away whenever I want to, right?