April is Infertility Awareness Month and while my struggle with infertility is now behind me, I still felt compelled to share my journey with those who may be in the heat of the battle. Infertility is very real (1 in 8 couples are affected by it). Infertility is extremely unforgiving and unfair. While it’s part of my past, it’s not too often that I don’t look at my kids and remember how badly I wanted them in this world and how thankful I am that they are here.
From a very young age I always knew I someday wanted to have children of my own. At that time I didn’t know how many children I wanted. And I sure as heck didn’t know that I would wind up marrying someone from my tiny hometown (who I met while living 1,600 miles from home)! As luck would have it, I met the love of my life shortly after graduation from college. I could not have gotten even a tad bit luckier in the husband department. He is truly a dream come true. He loves me when I feel unlovable, he thinks I’m beautiful even when I’m at my worst – he keeps me level headed and he supports me when I’m right, but will tell me when I’m flat out wrong (yes… he is brutally honest – and I love it.)
After we tied the knot we took a few trips and were living and loving life while living on the Gulf Coast in Southwest Florida ‘aka paradise’. The next natural step was to continue the fairytale and expand our family beyond the two of us and our beloved Boston Terrier. But it wasn’t so simple and that’s where the long, heart wrenching journey begins.
I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. While it was ‘unexplained’, I was told it was likely caused from secondary amenorrhea and that exercise was the culprit. This was a tough pill to swallow because from a young age running was a passion of mine. It was sort of like breathing – I felt like I had to do it to survive. Luckily the doctor felt confident that I would eventually be able to conceive and so began the treatments. After 11 long months on Clomid (a fertility drug that makes you feel miserable) and months of testing, procedures and blood draws like you wouldn’t believe (I cried at one particular lab appointment when I saw the phlebotomist pull out EIGHTEEN vials to start collecting my blood…), we still hadn’t conceived. It was time to take it a step further so we started our first round of IUI’s (Intrauterine Insemination) in July of 2011. Five IUI’s later I finally got that big fat positive. Prior to the 5th IUI we had decided that this was going to be our last attempt before re-evaluating, taking a break or getting serious about adoption.
On November 21, 2011 I found out I was expecting. On March 6, 2012 I found out I was expecting a girl. And on August 3, 2012 my dreams finally came true and we brought our sweet, sunshine baby to the world. I cannot imagine going through the fertility journey again… but I would in a heartbeat. It was so worth every second of the pain, agony and heartbreak.
We experienced secondary infertility when we began trying for baby #2. This time (we were living in Madison) and the doctor’s knew what would (probably) work for us so it didn’t take nearly as long with just a few ups and downs. Since we had planned on having two kids we were pro-active. On September 11, 2013 I found out I was expecting. On December 2, 2013 we found out were having another girl… AND a boy. And on March 16 (10 weeks early), we welcomed our sweet babies to the world to officially complete our family.
We are very lucky that things worked out for us. It could have been so much worse. There were moments during my struggle where I shut myself down to the world and just wanted to sit in a room (alone) and cry. There were times when it was too hard to smile at anyone because I felt like I was dying inside. It was truly some of the darkest, most trying moments in my life. But the result of it all has made my life richer than I ever imagined. Every hug, every kiss, every smile… and I’m reminded how lucky I am that these are my children.
The fertility struggle was real. It was painful and unfair. My heart aches for anyone going through it. I don’t have advice other than telling that I understand your overwhelming desire to have a child. I know why you are putting yourself through this. Do your best to continue to live and love life – try not to let your journey define you and remember how blessed you are to love someone SO much that you want to have children with that person. I am not about to tell you that everything happens for a reason (that’s a phrase I hope to never hear again), but I will tell you that someday it will all make sense. As painful as the infertility journey is and as unfair as it seems (and if nothing else good comes from it) it has certainly made me appreciate being a mama even more. And even on the most trying and difficult of days, I feel lucky. Lucky to have a gift that at one time I wasn’t sure would ever happen. You are worthy of love and happiness and I wish you the very best in your journey – xo.
*You may also enjoy my post – Infertility: What to Say and What NOT to Say
You’re such a sweet mama! Love that you have those precious babies!
After 3 failed IUI’s, a successful IVF in 2014 and a very recent failed 2nd IVF attempt….I can appreciate this and your other infertility writings as well. It certainly helps to cope with infertility knowing others know exactly how you feel.