Keeping it Real

Parenting can be a competitive sport. It can start out with an innocent conversation about the joy of parenting and it can quickly escalate into a not so subtle competition. If you’ve been a parent for even a short period of time, you know what I mean: My kid knows three languages, learned how to walk at 8 months old AND he potty trained himself.

Okay, I’m exaggerating, but you get my point. And as my kids have gotten older, talk among parents has changed from when their kid learned to talk to topics of sports (winning goal this week), school (4.0 of course) and social behavior (my kid would never go to that kind of party).

This last part is what bothers me most, the phrase, “My kid would NEVER…”

I get uncomfortable for two reasons:

One, maybe MY kid has done what you just claimed your kid would never (ever) do.

Two, maybe YOUR kid has and you just don’t know about it, but I do (more on that later).

Maybe your kid is super smart and a rock star on the field, but no child is perfect. We are raising humans, not robots. Which means the amount of effort a parent puts into painting their child in the perfect light is not only exhausting (for the parent and for those who are listening), but sets them up for a bigger fall WHEN (not if) their kid makes a mistake.

Because they will make mistakes, lots of them. We all do. I know I make them by the hour. By insisting that our kids are always awesome, I wonder if we set them up for an unreachable standard.

I know why we do it. We love them and we DO think they’re awesome. And, it’s hard on us when our kids make mistakes (especially public ones) because we view it as a personal failure and embarrassment (not to mention the judgment we feel, real or imagined, from other parents).  It’s also painful to watch them deal with the consequences that come with making an unwise choice. We forget that as they get older, it isn’t all about us and how we raised them. Sometimes, they’re just going to say or do things that make absolutely no sense.

Because they are kids.

It is a possibility that some day you will get a call from the principal’s office. It is possible that your kid will get a code violation because he took a sip at a party instead of saying no. Maybe you find out she isn’t acting like the good friend you taught her to be. Any of this can happen despite your very best parenting.

The older my kids get, the more freedom that they have, the more I realize that they are under SO much pressure. The good kids, the athletes, the smart kids…they make mistakes too. It is true that these kids are making good choices. But, on occasion, they sometimes do unsafe, unkind or just plain stupid things.

Because they are kids.

And, here’s the thing. If my kids think that I have only perfection in mind for them, they are not going to want to come to me when they make a mistake. My tween is not going to admit that he didn’t do his homework but spent the evening sneaking time on his DS. I will not hear about the party my high-schooler went to in which they had to make the choice to stay or go. I’m not going to be part of the conversation about how to REALLY say no. If they only hear me telling others about how perfect they are, they will most likely do all they can to keep up the façade that I have created for them. My kids know that we have expectations and standards, BUT I expect them to make some mistakes. And when they do, we’ll work on making things right. Because that is a part of growing up.

Back to, “My kid would never…” I have been in more than one conversation in which a parent has said that very thing to me and I know for a fact their kid has.

Awkward.

It is not easy to tell someone the painful truth about their kid. This is my biggest reason for being honest with people. Because we as parents aren’t perfect and because our kids aren’t, I want to learn from others and their experiences. I can’t do that if I’m too busy spouting off my kids’ accomplishments. Most importantly, I want to keep the communication lines open with as many parents as I can so that I will get a phone call if someone sees or hears something about my kid that they think I’d like to know.

I will tell you that my kids are kind, loving, smart, talented, and good looking (because I’m their mom). But, I will also tell not so flattering stories about them when appropriate. I do this not to embarrass my children but to be clear that I don’t think they are perfect. And, the best part is, when I am honest, I watch the other parent let down their guard and commiserate on their own parenting struggles.

Instead of getting caught up in competition with other parents, I want to work as a team. Let’s figure out this parenting thing together because I know none of us have this down cold.

The only way I know how to do this is by keeping it real.