For all the smugness of a household with married parents, we can really learn something from our divorced counterparts. I had this revelation recently when considering the challenges faced by divorced parents. How hard it must be to juggle schedules, holidays, and budgets. How painful to send your kids off for weekends or holidays with the other parent. How frustrating to deal with the prospect of step-families.
But then I reflected on the focused love and attention that a divorced parent seems to dedicate to their children during the precious allotted weekend or school vacation. He or she knows that the time is precious and puts effort into making the hours particularly meaningful. From favorite meals to outings and game nights, I think a divorced parent is more likely to make the time count and to put the focus squarely on the child. It’s something we don’t often do in our nuclear family home.
Sure, as a mother of four, much of my time is taken up by children’s activities: prepping dinners, driving to practices, signing permission slips, arguing about homework. We do schedule fun things on the weekends like going to the movies or sledding. My husband and I are both there, usually tired, often annoyed, frequently looking forward to getting home and escaping to some alone time. Or I’ll be tapping my foot, smiling halfheartedly, with my mind on the laundry and the fact that I haven’t exercised this week. As married parents, we’re ever-present in our children’s lives, but we’re not really present.
When your kids are always underfoot, it seems like there is unlimited time. This weekend’s too busy. Maybe next weekend we can play soccer in the backyard and then go get ice cream. (Cue “Cat’s in the Cradle” playing in the background.) And with two working parents and four kids, it’s always a group affair. The next appointment or practice or conference is the most pressing concern. Dinner will be something no one really loves, because it’s something that no one really hates. We’ll all squeeze into the car for some family time filled with fighting and eye-rolling, because we should spend time together as a family, and this is what fits into our schedule. Raising children starts to feel like something to get done, rather than something to treasure.
With this in mind, I created a new tradition in our household: Mom Days. These much-anticipated occasions involve the specific child in the rotation choosing a place for lunch and an activity they want to do, just the two of us. Then we spend those several hours, one-on-one, with no annoying siblings, focused only on each other. The child is in heaven of course, getting all the attention and doing their favorite things. For my part, I get the time to talk to my child without interruption. I am not distracted by undone chores or the other kids’ needs. I savor the fleeting gift of my children.
Of course, Mom Days come with some challenges. When you’re the only parent in attendance, you can’t nudge your husband to go play laser tag with the kids while you browse social media in the lobby. You have to be all in. This past year, I’ve jumped on trampolines, leaped into ball pits, played motorcycle video games, and visited Build-a-Bear. I’ve dined with my children at their choice of fine establishments, including McDonald’s and Hy-Vee. I put their desires first and truly take time to appreciate their individuality. I remind myself that each of them is their own unique and wonderful person, and that I am allowed only a brief period of time to spend in such close proximity. At the same time, they realize that they are worthy of dedicated attention and love.
Mom Days have been a big success so far. The kids often compare notes on what they’re doing for their next Mom Day. I’ve deepened my individual relationships with my children. And though we quickly return to old routines with family life feeling more like a chore and less like a joy, I know I have that upcoming undivided attention with each of my children. Mom Days are the best days.
