Parenting After Divorce: Co-parenting Strategies That Will Make Anyone a Better Parent

Divorce or separation is not something you wish or intend for your children, but it is a reality for over 50% of marriages, which means a lot of children experience the effects. I’ve watched my boys grieve for the loss of my marriage, and it has been the most painful part of my divorce. In the beginning, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure and the knowledge that I had let my own children down. I grieved the loss of my marriage, but also the awareness that my choices had forever impacted 2 innocent lives. 

My boys are 8 and 9, old enough to understand what divorce is, and what it means for our family, but too young to explain many of the details. I’ve had to watch them struggle. I’ve had to answer their many questions as best I can. I’ve had to look them in the eyes and say, “I’m so sorry. I know this hurts you.”

It has been humbling, and it has filled my heart with compassion for them. 

My divorce has made me a better parent.

If you have children, the state of Wisconsin requires a parenting class prior to getting divorced. I dreaded this. What would they possibly teach me? I imagined sitting in a room listening to a government employee tell me things I already knew. After all, my parenting skills had nothing to do with why I was getting divorced.

I was so very wrong. The 8 hours were not only helpful, but hopeful. I wasn’t yelled at or made to feel like a bad parent for getting divorced. Instead, the wonderful woman leading the class gave me hope, and strategies for moving forward in divorce and in parenthood, still as a family, with two parents who only have their children’s best interests in mind. 

Parenting is challenging enough; we instinctively and wholeheartedly want to protect our children from experiencing undo pain and trauma. We strive to demonstrate healthy relationships and instill high values, like love, forgiveness, and understanding. For me, the decision to get divorced was constantly weighed against its effect on my two boys – could I stay in my unhealthy marriage and still be a good mother? Could I be happy? Could I somehow ignore reality in order to shield my boys from such a life-changing experience?

After the required parenting class, I was relieved. Maybe this could work. Maybe I hadn’t ruined my boys’ lives. Now my ex-husband and I attend monthly co-parenting sessions with a therapist. She helps us communicate, understand our emotions, and make decisions for the family that are both respectful and beneficial. The therapy has provided a wonderful space to share and grow as parents. 

Through therapy or support groups, shared experience and education can help everyone through the difficult event.

Based on my own experience, here are the parenting lessons I’ve learned this year that I wish I would have known pre-divorce.

1. I can’t protect my kids from pain. Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion – these are values I want to teach my children. These are traits I can demonstrate when things go wrong, a relationship is not the way I intended, or life is flat-out tragic. But I can’t cocoon my children in a life of perfection and happiness. And I’m not sure that’s beneficial anyway. Life is going to be painful, and I want to teach my boys how to grow and heal through it. None of the divorce is their fault. We move forward in love and acceptance.
2. For both parents, our intention and our mission is 100% about the kids. It’s hard to disagree too much when the focus is on what’s best for the children. How many extra-curricular activities are healthy? Can they attend the summer camping trip? Should they hang out with that kid who is a bad influence? Asking myself, what’s best for the boys? avoids a lot of bickering. Also, understanding that just because my ex and I have different ideas about some details, it’s neither of our intentions to hurt or hold the kids back. So when we disagree, we can discuss both sides without judgment or personal attacks.
3. My emotions surrounding the divorce do not have to interfere with my parenting. It’s easy for me to allow my emotions to control my thoughts and behaviors – I even THINK I’m acting logically, but I have too check in with myself and make sure I’m not letting past issues seep into present decisions. My ex does a better job at compartmentalizing life. And I’m getting better at recognizing when I let everything run together. I recently got a new job teaching at a technical college, and we needed to discuss child care if I took the position. The discussion brought up a TON of career stuff I had stored from when we were married. Out of habit, I took a lot of what was said personally – allowing old patterns and hurt feelings to create an argument. It took some time, but after a few days I was able to let go of my old baggage, and work out an arrangement that focused on the best end goal – me accepting the job!
4. Creativity in parenting is encouraged! Your family life, holidays, traditions, lifestyle, housing situation, etc. does not have to look like anyone else’s. It only has to work for YOU and your family. A friend of mine celebrates Christmas in July with her Dad. This became a tradition after her parents got divorced, and it turned into something so memorable, that now she continues the tradition with her own children. You don’t have to sacrifice or trade everything after divorce; with some creativity, you can actually create more quality time, more meaningful traditions, and enhance your children’s lives in ways you never would have thought of while married.
5. Parenting is not a competition; it’s teamwork. Co-parenting forces you to let go of how you think the other person should be doing it (Yes, you are free!). Barring something unsafe or extreme, your co-parent gets to parent how he or she wants, and it’s best to try and learn from one another. When there’s a behavior issue with one of the boys, (right now it’s video games and screen time) my ex and I can trade parenting secrets, share trials and errors, and determine what works best based on our separate parenting experiences. Parenting is HARD, especially when you’re operating as a single parent half the time. Any tips and tricks that work are welcome, even if we have to admit it was the other parent’s genius idea.

More than anything, my divorce has taught me to let go of perfection as a parent. Maybe my divorce is a black check mark. It’ll definitely go down as one of the darkest moments of my kids’ adolescence. But my ended marriage does not have to remain a parenting fail, unless I let it. I can get along with my ex for the sake of the boys. I can make up for times I allowed jealousy or anger to get in the way of good parenting while we were married. I can show the boys that most importantly, we are still a family. Adults make mistakes, just like kids. Adults have consequences for their actions, just like kids. And then we do our best to come back from it – stronger, wiser, more understanding. Through co-parenting, I’m teaching my boys resilience, and I’m teaching them love. My ex and I are no longer married, but we respect each other fiercely when it comes to parenting. We do it for the boys, and they deserve it.