Last week my son and I shuffled off together to “Meet the Teacher Day” at his school. As we entered the classroom, the teacher had a small project for the children to complete. There was a 5×7 white piece of paper with a rectangle printed on the middle of the page. They were to write their name, she instructed, on the flag then decorate it. I sat down next to my son and let him get to work, trying my hardest not to take over and help him initially. He started writing the letters to his name but they weren’t “inside” the rectangle on the flag. They were kind of all over the place. Instinctively I started instructing him – which I thought meant writing his name inside the flag (although the teacher never really specified that). I could instantly see that my instruction took him from joyful and excited down a few pegs. I quickly caught myself and backtracked trying to reassure him he was doing great and just to do his best. Oops.
But later that night I got to thinking…thinking about what had happened earlier that day. Of course I felt just terrible. I would never want my son to feel like he was doing an inadequate job. He is 4! He was doing just perfectly! But my strive for perfection sometimes gets in the way. I am very well aware of that. And this time I was transferring my own insecurity and perfectionism onto my son. Something I obviously have no intention or desire to do. I want nothing more than to let him be, explore, create, and learn without me running the show and directing the “right” answer.
When I think about it, I have been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. But what exactly does it mean to be a perfectionist? While it means different things to different people, for me it has always been a way I try to earn love and approval from others. I’ve always tried to have my ducks in a row (so to speak), get straight A’s, do the “right” thing, yada yada. It’s just who I am – how I am hard-wired. It’s what makes me tick. I have always viewed success by awards, accolades, recognition, praise, pats on the back. And you know what? It worked pretty well for a time. Why? Because I always had complete control over things. I thrived on getting it “right.” Working hard and achieving success, whether it be in sports, at my job, in my relationships, I thrived on being affirmed and attaining that sense of “having it all together.”
But you know what? This desire to get it all right and appear put together, well it doesn’t work so well once you become a mother. In fact, as a mother of three young children (4.5, 3 and 1 – boys no less), motherhood has taken all my perfectionist tendencies and flipped them flat upside down. While I maintained some level of control early on, it slowly became more and more difficult. Let’s face it, motherhood is full of so much unpredictability that it will make a perfectionist, who is used to controlling any and all situations, crazy! Think about it – there are so many versions of “how to” mother (and parent) that before you even give birth your head starts to spin trying to figure out the “right” way to do certain things. From agonizing over the “right” types of bottles to register for to navigating the murky water of sleep training methods and baby food preparation options, the parenting decisions are endless. There is without a doubt no “right” way to do anything in parenthood. And for someone who is used to figuring out the “right” answer (for example, writing your name precisely in the allotted rectangle as per the teachers instructions), the muddy waters of what doing things right looks like can be extremely challenging to endure. And just when you start to get something “right” as a parent, your kids will throw you for another loop and everything will change in an instant.
This reality hit me early on in my parenting journey. As a new mom, day in and day out I was working so hard to be the perfect mom: have the perfectly maintained house; the perfectly behaved kids; the well-prepared dinners each night. It was maddening because I constantly felt like I was failing. And as I started to survey the landscape of other moms (especially when I was a new mother), I couldn’t help but compare myself to the moms who by all accounts had their acts together. The “right on schedule” moms (I am late to everything). The “perfectly cleaned house” moms (my house hasn’t seen a deep clean (or even a surface clean) for many months/years now). The “well-behaved kids” mom (can anyone say toddler meltdown in the middle of Target?). The “fashionista” mom. The “sporty” mom. The “Pinterest-worthy birthday party” mom. The comparison game was so very easy for me to fall into and was starting to get the best of me.
But here is what I have learned after five years as a mom – we must all try to break up with perfection. We just must. Anything else kills our soul and robs us of our joy. So here’s my challenge to myself. Let things go. Like really let them go. As a mom of three young boys four and under, this challenge has really put me to the test the past year. The image of dirty, muddy, punching, jumping, misbehaving boys is smack dab in my face day in and day out. I’ve had to let go of so much more than I ever thought I could (or would). The image of what I “thought” motherhood would look like for me is so different than my reality and I have to get okay with that. We are all uniquely created to fill this role of mother. We must embrace who we are as mothers (weaknesses and all) and own it. We cannot be everything to everyone. If YOU are the “perfectly-cleaned house” mom, that’s awesome! Maybe you throw one heck of a “Pinterest-worthy” birthday party. Way to go! Whatever YOUR thing is, embrace it! Celebrate it! And throw the rest out the window. We need to get comfortable with the moms that we ARE. Not the mom I should be, not the mom my friend is, not the mom my mother was. But rather the mom that I am! Because by being my truest self, I can be the best mother to my boys I can be.
