My husband travels for his job. He always has. Over the years I have tried to write about my experiences, but every time I end up deleting it. No matter how I try, it seems to come across as whiny and negative. So if, after I’ve written and re-written this I still comes across that way, my apologies. I did my best.
I don’t like to write negative posts, but I also think this is something we should talk about because I know I’m not alone.
Because having a spouse that travels frequently sucks.
It just really sucks.
There have been years where I did not like my husband very much. Sometimes the anger and resentment, the loneliness and exhaustion got too much for me. And, he didn’t always seem to recognize just how much I struggled. He once made the mistake of sending me a picture of the beautiful sushi he was enjoying in Toronto while I had just finished doing my fifth load of puke laundry. Fortunately for both of us, he hasn’t done that since.
Sometimes I want to trade places. I want him to experience how hard it is to be home doing the drudgery of parenting while he gets nice hotel rooms, fancy restaurants and uninterrupted adult conversation. They all sound heavenly to me. But with that, I know he gets missed flights, late nights in airports, not so great hotels, missed sleep, stress, and terrible nutrition.
He also misses out. He misses out on the inside jokes and activities, the small celebrations and daily life. The more time he is away, the more time he misses watching our kids grow up. And while we try to catch him up, sometimes, you just had to be there.
If I could give one piece of advice to anyone who is in my position, it is this:
Take care of yourself. Do it often. Maybe, more often than you think you should. Do it or the resentment will eat you alive.
Fortunately for both of us, things are better. I have older kids who can pitch in and I have also learned what works for me:
- Having time to myself: It doesn’t have to be long, but doing some form of exercise even if it means a yoga practice with my cats before the kids are up makes an enormous difference. And when my husband is home, I take advantage of it. I have no guilt about the occasional girls night out or a girl’s weekend away. Time to myself makes me a better human when I get back home.
Doing races with friends keeps me happy. - Encourage Dad time: Whenever he’s home I push REALLY hard for some Dad/kid time on the weekend. This gives me a break AND strengthens their relationship.
- Having friends you can count on to lessen the load: I used to be one of those people who never asked for help. That was three kids ago. These days if I need help getting a kid somewhere or just someone to talk to about my hard day, I have my people.
- Small treats: There have been times when I honestly didn’t know if everyone would live through the day. And then, I remember that I have a movie waiting for me with a glass of wine (don’t judge) if I can just make it to bedtime. Small rewards make a big impact for me.
- Instant forgiveness: When you are spending all of your time with littles with no one to back you up, you may lose it. And if you do, you need to instantly forgive yourself and move on. Because carrying around guilt over being human does you no good.
- Regular date nights: The year my husband started working on his MBA while traveling internationally was the year I purchased a subscription to the Broadway Series at the Overture Center. This subscription guaranteed set dates throughout the year with no excuses. Was it expensive? YES! Was it worth it? Definitely.
- Step away from some of the household duties: If your significant other is gone a lot, do NOT stress about keeping the house spotless. Actually, just focus on keeping everyone alive. Even better, hire a cleaning service if you can. Your sanity will thank you.
- Hire childcare: This may sound frivolous, especially if you are a SAHM or SAHD but it was a lifesaver for me for a season when my kids were tiny. All I needed were two hours every Friday morning to do whatever my heart desired. Sometimes I scheduled appointments and sometimes I went to a coffee shop and just read a book. Best two hours of my week and the best money I could have spent.
- Have some fun with the kids: I try to remember to let loose once in a while. If I don’t relax, I get, “When does dad come home again?” more frequently.
I love my husband and he loves us. It’s easier to remember that when I’m in a more positive mindset. I’m wondering what other families do who have a traveling partner.
What do you do to stay sane?
My husband doesn’t travel, but there is a big chunk of the year when he works 7 days a week from 7:00am-9:00pm. I do the best I can but my hardest part is the reentry. I struggled for years with the fact that he comes back every April 16 and “re-inserts” himself into the family. It took a long time for me to learn that he is trying to jump back in and help and it doesn’t mean that he thought I wasn’t handling things for those 3 1/2 months.
YES to the re-entry! It is always so hard when he comes back.
Thanks, Julie. Sometimes I feel a pity party coming on as a SAHM with a travelling spouse—these are great reminders!