If you asked friends and family to describe me, I’m guessing that a large majority of them would respond with the word nice. Maybe it’s my Northern Wisconsin upbringing, maybe it’s because I was born a female, but for much of my life it has been very important for me to be seen as nice.
I’m not saying that I don’t have a sarcastic side or that I’m always in a good mood, and I don’t feel that everyone needs to like me, but I still struggle with this idea that I have to always be nice. I’m acutely aware of my own presence and am uncomfortable with the very idea of taking up space. The notion that I could be putting someone out, or *gasp* being seen as a bother, is enough to make want to hide away.
With all of my kids I have always emphasized the importance of being nice, but I have come to realize that I want to be sure my daughter understands that she is under no obligation to always be nice. Yes, I want to teach her to be kind, respectful, helpful, polite, and empathetic, but I want her to realize as she grows into an adult that being nice just as a way of making everyone around her feel comfortable is not important.
So, to my daughter:
I want you to go ahead and take up space. Express yourself even if you have the unpopular opinion, actually, especially if you have the unpopular opinion. Being kind and polite does not mean keeping your feelings to yourself. Don’t be afraid to make someone feel uncomfortable if your actions and ideas are outside of the box. Stand up for yourself and others even if it means making some noise. Smile, but only if you want to.
People in your life will come and go, so I want you to build the confidence to realize that you are enough. I need you to know that putting yourself first is being nice. Take a stand on what you know is right. Don’t be afraid to go for what you want and to ask for what you need. Give compliments freely and happily accept those given to you.
Embrace your life fully, and don’t worry about ruffling a few feathers along the way.
Love it! I wish I had gotten this talk as a kid. It’s probably why as moms a lot of us find it hard to take care of ourselves first, even though that is the only way we can be at our best for our children.
It wasn’t until my 20s I realized that often I was sacrificing my personality and opinions to be seen as “nice.” I also want to teach my girls that being kind, respectful and compassionate doesn’t mean they have to sacrifice their personalities – those things can just be a part of their whole package.
Love this so much!! What a beautiful article. Thank you.