It began over eighteen years ago a week after my first child was born when I first heard from a perfect stranger, “Put a hat on that baby, he’s going to get cold.” (It was 85 degrees in August).
It hasn’t let up since.
Over the years I have tolerated the advice of strangers, acquaintances and family members. Good or bad, the advice comes freely whether I ask for it or not:
“Why are you so strict with bedtime? Let them stay up.”
“Why are you putting him in speech therapy? He’ll figure it out eventually. Leave him alone.”
“I wouldn’t put up with that, if he were my kid he would be getting a spanking. Look at me, I turned out just fine.”
“You think you’re tired now, just wait until…”
“My brother’s wife’s cousin’s family adopted a little boy from Romania and he has autism.”
“Adoption is so expensive, have you thought of that? And what if there’s something wrong with him?”
“I would never let my kid (fill in the blank).”
“Why would you want a fifth kid? Don’t you have enough kids to feed?”
Over the years I have wondered why it is that people say the things they say. Do I look like I’m struggling and need the help? Do they know how rude and hurtful these comments are? How do I handle it and how do I not let it get to me?
In the last year or so we hit a new level. Between our adoption and having a kid who is a senior in high school everyone seems to have an opinion. Everyone seems to think that their ideas are original and the more I hear it, the more frustrated I become. Because our adoption has “worked out,” the advice regarding that has dropped off.
But our senior is not getting much peace. There are strong opinions from the general public on what a young person should do after high school and we have heard them all.
And so, it should have come as no surprise at Christmastime this year that certain family members would have their opinions on what he should do with his future. While I became increasingly frustrated by the strong advice that was being pushed, my kid calmly stood his ground and moved on. Clearly I had taken this conversation way more personally than he had.
A few days later I relayed this conversation to a few good friends. I will admit that my Mama Bear came out. Yep, I took it personally and viewed it as a criticism of my parenting. Eighteen years of it and I had hit my breaking point.
One of my friends nodded and calmly said, “People love to give advice and they love to be right.”
And just like that, I understood.
Oh, it’s not about me.
At all.
It’s about the people giving the advice.
How many times has someone given me their opinion when their life is completely different from mine? How many times have I heard it from someone who was clearly uncomfortable? Or had a strong general opinion of how society is today and I was just the unlucky one to hear about it? Was this advice for my benefit or as a way for them to validate their own choices and opinions in life? Did they expect me to change my behavior or just give them some attention or empathy or understanding?
If that is the case, maybe I can put down my guard and let it go. What if I let them have their say, thanked them for it and MOVED ON (like my kid had)? What would my life be like if I stopped accumulating the negative comments I have heard over the years and just forgot them all?
What would my life be like if I shifted my focus?
I’m sure I will still have my moments because I am human and because people say some crazy things. But I can reduce my frustration level by reminding myself that it’s not about me.
And because I have had plenty of moments, I want to be sure to watch my own behavior regarding giving other people “help.” I am sure there has been a time or two in which I have been the pushy advice giver and that makes me cringe. And so, in addition to letting more of it go, I must stop and think before I try to help someone. Unless someone asks, “What do you think?” I’m going to get a few bites on my own tongue.
Maybe appreciating each other’s differences and choices, even if they aren’t your own are much better than giving people a piece of your mind.
But then, what will we talk about?
