Whatever You Do, Stay Off the Roller Coaster!

I’ve never been a fan of roller coasters. I’m just not that into paying money to get strapped into a contraption and get thrown around space. Like most moms, my daily life can be wild enough. Lately, I’ve thought about the way that we handle life’s ups and downs. When it comes to relating to my kids, to friends, to people on the internet, how do I control my reactions to things that make me unhappy, angry, uncomfortable or just plain sad?

I have noticed that much too often, even if it has nothing to do with me, I jump right onto that emotion and ride it for all it’s worth, not always being aware of the consequences to myself or others.

And I don’t even realize I’m doing it.

I was recently listening to a Jen Hatmaker podcast in which she discussed her experiences in parenting teens. Specifically, she was talking about advice given to her that has stuck with her over the years.  When your teen is about to get on that roller coaster (those of you with teens or toddlers you know what I’m talking about), you have a choice. You can choose to strap yourself next to them and take that ride with them, or you can tell them, “I will stay right here, feet firmly planted on this platform and I’ll be here when you’re done.”

Woah, think about this.

How many times in my life have I jumped right on that roller coaster with my teen, my elementary aged kid, or even a toddler when things got emotional? How many times have things escalated quickly and badly because I sat down right next to them on that ride instead of taking a step back with my feet firmly planted?

My kid comes home from school upset because he had a fight with his friend, so I jump right on the roller coaster and we get upset together.

My teen gets mad at me because I dare to give him a curfew, I jump right on and yell right back at him.

My husband has a crappy day at work and says something rude or unkind. I jump in and throw another rude comment right back.

How often in my life has a knee jerk reaction led me to jump on that ride and get angry, sad, or upset? How many times have I done this when it had absolutely NOTHING to do with me? How often have other people’s emotions set off my own emotions in which level-headedness goes completely out the window? How much better would I be as a parent, as a spouse and as a friend if I said, “You go ahead and be upset. I’ll be right here when you calm down.” What if, the next time my teen argued with me by text or by phone I just put down my phone and walked away? What if the next time someone says something inflammatory on social media I tell myself, “Not today,” and turn off my phone?

I think this goes great with my 24 Hour Rule. Once the family member is calm, how much more helpful will I be if I’m here, calm and ready to discuss instead of going crazy right along with them?It’s not about being cold, unfeeling or unsympathetic. I know there are times when my family members come to me and need someone to depend on. How often do I lose sight of that and jump on that ride with them? Is it good for them (or me) to do that?

I’m starting to believe the answer is no.

This is not easy. Just like a lot of other habits in life, I’m viewing this as a practice. As I become aware of my habits and tendencies I need to practice a new way to react. I need to find a new way to respond so that those around me know I am no longer their seatmate. I have noticed that as I try to change my reactions that those who are used to having me jump on with them don’t always appreciate the ride alone. Sometimes this means a shorter ride (something I did NOT expect). Sometimes it means a very uncomfortable hour for me as I breathe in my kitchen while a kid complains and rages somewhere else.

I am coming to believe this is a healthier way to live and so I will continue to work on this. I can be more compassionate, helpful, and loving to my people if I don’t react in a way that is not helpful. And, I need to constantly remind myself that emotions (no matter which one) do not last forever.