Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,
Can I be honest? Sometimes, I get jealous of you.
Like, when I picture your mornings, minus the chaos of hustling kids out the door to daycare. I picture breakfasts eaten without staring at the clock, maybe a morning kids’ show, everyone still in PJs. I see you taking the kids to the zoo or the park or the lake mid-morning, snapping selfies with them and texting your husband the funny thing your oldest said. I see you throwing a load of laundry in the dryer when you get home (or whenever you WANT!), playing goofy games with the kids over lunch, eating food you didn’t have to pack at 11 PM the night before.
When the youngest goes down for a nap, I see you getting things done around the house, or working on your in-home business, or bonding with your oldest over a craft project. I see you witnessing every milestone and every funny moment, amassing memories that will make you smile years from now. I see you, glowing and healthy from days spent outside, chatting up the other moms at the park or the library or the gym, wearing whatever the heck you want, never going to boring department meetings, never realizing mid-day that you forgot to put deodorant on and can’t do a thing about it…
It all seems so nice, as I sit in my cramped, sunless office, stressing about the project I’m way over my head in and wondering what my kids are doing right now (that I’m missing).
But don’t worry. I know there’s more to it than that.
I know you also deal with meltdowns, and picky eaters, and fighting over toys (over everything), and long, lonely days where you’re way over-touched and you don’t talk to a single person over the age of 4. I know there are rainy days, snowy days, teething days, and inexplicably-crazy-kids days. I know you go to the same park a bazillion times a week, repeat the same phrases to your kids all day, play the same games over and over, and prepare and clean up SO MUCH food.
I know you’re desperate for alone time and adult time, and I know you feel guilty when you take that out on the kids. I know you think about your education and your pre-kids career, and you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. I know you wish you could contribute more financially. I know you worry that you’re pouring so much of yourself into your kids that you might lose sight of who you are.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I see you, and I recognize the sacrifices you’re making for your family. It’s easy for me to focus on the highlights of your life—the things I’m personally missing out on—but I know that’s not the full picture.
The truth is, neither of our lives is perfect or easy, but they’re both pretty dang awesome—just in slightly different ways.
I see you, and I support you. Keep it up, girl!
Love,
Working Mom
Dear Working Mom,
Can I be honest? Sometimes, I get jealous of you.
Like, when I picture your mornings, sipping a still-hot latte, alone at your quiet desk. I see you going to important meetings, talking to important people about important things (or at least, talking to adults about adult things). I see you grabbing lunch with your coworkers, gossiping about the office, maybe on an outdoor patio, maybe over some giant salads and still-cold iced teas. I see you giving presentations, in that cute tailored blazer you have, speaking eloquently and confidently to a room of people who respect your ideas.
I see you planning out your days (and having that actually be a useful endeavor), working on projects that interest and challenge you, getting recognized for your hard work from your peers and superiors. I see you traveling for work—sitting on a plane (ALONE!), staying in a nice hotel room, eating dinner on someone else’s dime. I see how proud you are of your career, how good it makes you feel. I see how extra special the time you spend with your kids is—the way you’re eager to pour into them in the evenings and on weekends, the way you treasure every minute…
It all seems so nice, as I sit here eating leftover cold chicken nugget bits off my son’s plate, half-heartedly yelling at the kids to stop tackling each other and preemptively beating myself up for all the TV I know I’m going to let them watch later.
But don’t worry. I know there’s more to it than that.
I know that you still feel guilty sometimes after dropping off your kids, especially when they cling to you and cry. I know you envy the person who gets to spend their days with your children, seeing the funny things they do and hearing the funny things they say. I know you hate being stuck in your office on a beautiful day, wondering what your kids are up to and wishing you could be part of it.
I know it’s hard at the end of the day, when everyone’s tired and hungry and cranky, and you’re desperately cobbling dinner together before the frantic rush of baths and bedtime, and you SO wish it could be different because those are the only precious hours you get together as a family. I know it sucks to have to cram all the housework and errands into the weekends. I know you get lonely when you travel, and all the nice dinners and hotel rooms in the world can’t compete with those little faces at home that you can’t kiss goodnight. I know you miss your kids, and you wonder if you’re doing the right thing.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I see you, and I recognize the sacrifices you’re making for your family. It’s easy for me to focus on the highlights of your life—the things I’m personally missing out on—but I know that’s not the full picture.
The truth is, neither of our lives is perfect or easy, but they’re both pretty dang awesome—just in slightly different ways.
I see you, and I support you. Keep it up, girl!
Love,
Stay-at-Home Mom
Note:
This post was written by a woman who’s been a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, and a work-from-home mom. She’s felt the unique joys and challenges of each, and is here to scream from the rooftops: none of them were easy. None were perfect. And definitely, none came without guilt.
There’s always greener grass somewhere, and always will be. Don’t forget to look down at your feet from time to time–the ground you’re standing on right now is actually pretty awesome.
I very rarely comment on posts that I have read. This has been shown to me and has been suggested reading to me by many moms and non moms that I know. The writer does a good job, but I have a fundamental issue with this piece of writing. While I understand what this writer was trying to do, and she does portray both sides, what she doesn’t do is make it clear she isn’t comparing two things equally. She is comparing privilege and those less privileged. For ALL stay at home moms, they have been afforded an opportunity due to financial security and blessing that not ALL working moms get. It’s nice that this writer had the OPPORTUNITY and the CHOICE to be a stay at home mom and a working mom. Choice is amazing, even if you have to sacrifice to get that cohice, you still have that choice. However, many working moms don’t get a choice. We are forced to work without the option to stay home because despite sacrifice and hard work, we can’t afford to stay at home. So to compare me with someone who has the choice to work or not to work is unfair and minimizes my feelings and my financial inability to obtain the same reality. If a stay at home mom wants to work, she can. If she wants to stay home, she can. For me and many moms I know, if we choose to stay home, we lose our home or live off the government. We don’t vacation, we don’t have cable, and we don’t eat out, we sacrifice daily. We can afford to have a child by being very careful, but I can NOT stay at home regardless of what I do. So all this article does for me is point out again that stay at home moms have privilege and opportunities I will never have and when they get jealous, they can change their situation. I cannot.
This.
I would only add: how about all you moms quit complaining in general and victimizing yourselves and give the example you should be to your kids about how to have control over your own life. Don’t like staying at home or can’t afford the lifestyle you’d like for your kids? Get a job. Don’t like your current job? Get a different one. Can’t seem to find a job? Get education or learn new skills that will land you one. Or learn to start your own business.
Be a responsible adult. Your children are looking at you and will copy your behavior. Teach them what life is about. It’s not about patting yourselves on the back complaining how hard your lives are (spoiler: unless you or a family member is heavily disabled or terminally ill or has just died – no, your life isn’t hard at all). It’s not about playing a victim (ESPECIALLY don’t teach your daughters all about being a victim and don’t even use the words “ah the sacrifice I did for you”, that will cause more damage than you could think). Life is about embracing opportunities: you are a sailboat on an ocean of opportunities. You have the sail and the rudder. Don’t just float wherever the wind takes you, just steer the goddamn thing, you are the captain!
Also, why do I never hear dads complaining about how hard their lives are? They don’t live on another planet, they have their ups and downs too, but the society doesn’t allow them to complain, they have to be strong. I wish society treated women equally, and expected us all to be strong too. Strong women are happy and successful, have a lot of various skills, feel in control of their lives, and don’t need any self-esteem booster or validation from blog posts. So don’t take the easy way of a victim, it’s for your own good, ladies!
Sincerely,
Mom to be
Mom to be, please check back in with us in a couple of years and let us know if your tune has changed. SAH, WAH, or working mom… they’re all hard. No, they’re not the same kind of hard as having a terminally ill family member, but I spent over four years raising two small boys while working a full-time job and helping as much as possible care for my dying mother. So yeah- it’s hard. Life is hard. It’s nice to know you’re not alone sometimes.
I don’t think you got my point, Megan. Here, let’s all stand in a circle and all repeat after me: “Life is soooo hard. My life sucks. I had to sacrifice soooo much. I need everyone around to acknowledge how hard my life is. Because mine is especially hard and you know nothing about it, because you’ve not been in my exact shoes. I haven’t been in your shoes either but I feel entitled to claim that your life as a non-mother is waaaaay easier than mine, so shut up and don’t tell me I should stop whining”.
I wish it wasn’t “fashionable” for women to be weak. I wish whining in public was frown upon more. I wish there was a social expectation of women to be strong (just like there’s such expectation of men). I wish mothers didn’t sound like victims just because they CHOSE to become mothers, so now the whole world owes them something for their HARD work of raising children and you know, like supporting yourself aka simply being an adult.
Sincerely,
Mom to be
Juju,
So thank you for your thoughts. I am curious how you feel later in life.
I used to be you. Then I got married, had kids, had more expectations put on me. I pushed and pushed to be STRONG and do it all…and I got sick. Seven months in bed. No more running. No more triathlons.
Now I know better.
Expressing our frustration, sadness, and guilt is not weak. In fact, it’s the hardest thing to do. Because of all the expectations on women these days: be strong, be sexy, be PERFECT, be a mom, be a wife, be a corporate exec, be a good cook, be fit…we (women – unlike you, I guess) struggle.
How can we possibly fit into all these roles?
Guess what, we can’t.
If we allow ourselves to play these roles and be “strong,” we will suffer. Because we are stuffing our real feelings, pretending that we are okay and have it all together, and pushing ourselves beyond our limits to do right by our obligations.
What happens then? Women get sick. Physically and emotionally sick.
Depression, adrenal fatigue, thyroid disease, anxiety, and more.
One way to combat this is to be TRUE to ourselves — tell our non-judgmental support system how we REALLY feel. Understand that we are not alone. Understand that we do have choice — choice to allow ourselves grace and speak our hearts openly. We have choice to feel and share.
And THAT is strong. Being vulnerable is POWER.
I won’t plug myself here, but I created a project for women around this entire issue. Know that you are loved and there are ways to work through the guilt.
Agree! Thank you, Megan. Now, like magic, whenever people without kids render opinions on motherhood and childrearing and parenting in general (which I never realized just how much they do until I became a mother) I find myself internally rolling my eyes and thinking about something else in my head. They can’t possibly get it, of course – and they won’t – until they “get it.” But they’ll be too embarrassed by their ignorance, delusion and righteousness by that point.
Men complain all the time – they just don’t have “mom blogs”. It’s not “weak” to admit imperfection – I would actually argue being vulnerable takes strength. I like to model to my children that it is ok to not be perfect – that I have my struggles – so when they face hardships they know they are not alone and that despite feelings of unease they are resilient and will persevere. I’m incredibly blessed. I love my children. But some days it’s hard – and some days it sucks – plain and simple. I imagine that is true for every walk of life – the inevitable struggle. No one is happy all the time- not a soul on the earth. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that. I’d argue that the illusion that without a dying family member that life is easy is a breeding ground for depression via attempted suppression. There is a difference between expressing yourself and dwelling – and in no way do I see this post as dwelling.
Thank you Megan. You have illustrated the point perfectly. Congratulations JuJu on almost being a mom. It is a wonderful experience that comes with ups and downs, and most importantly, the biggest changes in your life that you ever thought possible. It is easy for you to write all of that right now, because you have no idea what it is like. When you live through the first ten years of raising a child, you will surely think differently about how “easy” it is to make changes in your life when you are a mom. Not impossible, but definitely not easy. I applaud any mother, in every situation that is doing what is right/best/necessary for your life with your kids. We are all working so hard and we are not acting like “victims”. When you are a mom, you need to vent sometimes. It is called having friends and forums where you can speak to people in your same situation. I am lucky to surround myself with moms that don’t judge whether we are a stay at home mom or working mom. I am hoping you find the same once your baby is born. Believe me, it makes motherhood so much easier, and more fun. Kudos to all the moms out there!
Not all SAHMs have the option to work. I am pregnant with my third child. My husband and I were “preventing” each time but her we are…five years into marriage and expecting our third. We cannot afford daycare costs for our children or a second vehicle (plus insurance and gas) for me to have a job. There is no job I qualify for that would be worth those costs.
Does it suck sometimes? Yes. Do I feel trapped sometimes? Yes. But it’s life and we move on with the hand we’re dealt. No need to feel sorry for yourself because you *have* to work, just like there’s no need for me to feel sorry for myself because I *can’t.” There are benefits to both sides that we can each enjoy.
Melissa, I believe you have hit the nail on the head with your response. I couldn’t agree more with what you have said. There is an irony and a truth to what you have written. My favorite response to this article. Thank you.
Hey, guess what Melissa, I had to quit working because in the area I live, the work I do wouldn’t cover the cost of childcare. So, staying at home wasn’t necessarily my choice. And I know I’m not the only in this boat. So just be careful, not ALL stay at home moms are here by choice either.
How about us working mom’s who don’t have “office” jobs but very long and physically draining jobs that leave us with next to nothing energy wise then have to take care of the home duties in the evenings and weekends while simultaneously spending as much time as we can with our little ones? All that aside, I do actually appreciate this and seeing that no one way is better and that we are ALL.hard working, loving Mothers just trying to do our best.
Great article. I believe social media has created this problem between working, WAH, and SAHMs. We are constantly seeing these pictures on all our outlets and perfect lives can be posted by any mom, regardless of what’s actually happening behind the scenes. Not only that but social media can really play on my ‘mom guilt’ in general, and probably any mom’s guilt- working or not. I see long days at the park, elaborate birthday parties, mounds of holiday gifts…everything seems to be a competition. And what could be an innocent, well-intentioned photo can hurt if I view it as not being able to provide the same for my son. It’s hard to disconnect, but think about 30 years ago when the internet wasn’t around. I don’t think my mother had the ‘working mom guilt’ that I have nor do I believe the rift between WAH and SAHM existed. Obviously I love the Internet and technology but it’s definitely shifted mom perspectives and priorities. I digress…this article is a great reminder that we are one- don’t hate, lift each other up moms!
D, it’s not social media. It’s self-esteem, or lack of thereof, and insecurities so common in women, especially young mothers. A person with healthy self-esteem and proper attitude towards life isn’t hurt because they see someone who has more time, more money, better vacation, better relationship or all of the above. A person with a healthy self-esteem doesn’t really care what others have and what others post on social media, such a person doesn’t constantly compare themselves to others (because you can ALWAYS find someone who is better off in about any aspect of life).
If I have a healthy self-esteem, I love my children and I know other parents love their children too. There’s no competition who loves their children more. If I have insecurities, I will judge others to try to validate myself and make myself feel better (spoiler: it doesn’t work, you only feel more guilty).
Therefore I have one tip for mothers (working or not): be strong and quit whining. Stop paying attention to others. Instead of focusing on everything you don’t have, embrace the opportunities that you do have. Everyone will be happier this way (I’m serious).
Oh please give me more tips, I so need mom advice from a non-mom. Super helpful.
D, although it is tempting to discredit everything Juju’s saying just because she’s not a mom yet, she does make some valid points. I think it is a good idea for us to try to focus on ourselves and making our own lives the best they can be and try not to compare ourselves to others. Don’t they say comparison is the thief of joy?
Anyway, I’m sure Juju will soften a bit after she has her kid, and maybe will gain a little more empathy, but in the meantime, her viewpoint still has value and reminds me of what my husband tells me to say whenever I’m feeling down or overwhelmed:
“F@&k everything, I’m fantastic.” 😉
I enjoyed this article… loved the perspective of both sides. I also loved all of the responses…sans one. I felt her self righteousness rise up as she wrote. It seems this was the exact attitude that the article was trying to dispel.
I’m a gramma now, so I can afford the luxury of looking backward without the angst I felt while rearing children. I know I thought I was doing the right thing staying home with my two sons. I learned a truth while rearing them. Life is truly not black and white. I wanted my days at home to guarantee happy, healthy, well-adjusted, loving adults. However, I discovered that “working/staying at home” is not as causative as I thought in the beginning it would be. Parenting is SO much more complicated than this one facet of childrearing. I will end by saying to all the moms that read this article, don’t let anyone define your mothering for you. Reach deeply to do the best you have in you….and go to bed resting in that truth. You are their moms. One day you’ll be done with the
day-to-day childrearing and … hopefully they will go on to raise the next generation. … your grandchildren. My granddaughter is the delight and gift of this older mom. That is the pattern of life. So try not to weigh yourself down with other people’s expectations. They aren’t you and they aren’t your children’s mom. You are. That is all/enough.
Dear working moms & stay home moms, sometimes I get jealous…..I’m a married forty-something who only ever wanted to be a mom, but due to medical difficulties my chance was taken away over 12 years ago. So when I see you with your kids my heart is happy for you, but it breaks for me…so whether you work or stay home always remember you are a very special person…you’re a mom and treasure that. Not everyone gets to have that blessing. God bless & love your children.
Sending hugs Candice – you are right that all moms should cherish their children. I struggled with infertility but ultimately was blessed with 3 children. There are days with struggles for sure, but I know how lucky I am and wouldn’t trade any of those moments for the world. I am sorry that you weren’t able to have kids – but thank you for sharing your kind comment.
This is awesome, Kim. I’ve had the pleasure(?) of being all three moms as well. It has given me a chance to see where I fit best and where I need more for me and my kids. Thank you for writing something so heartfelt and in simple in the effort to say “we’re all in this together!”
This is so great. Thanks so much for writing it. I’m a working Mom who travels a lot so it really touched me.
Thanks for painting two very different perspectives Kim.
I have been a stay at home dad of five amazing children ages 13 to 2-1/2, for almost 13 years now. I still get the “isn’t it nice of you to take your children out” comments. I can only sum it up by saying that I had an easier time getting shot at in the jungle.
Though I see some comments here that are less than positive, I know you can’t possibly cover every situation. Thanks for writing this.
God Bless.
Kevin
This would be envy, not jealousy. Great post, though.
Ha, I’m a part-time working mom, I do both. I’ve been doing it for several years now, and it doesn’t feel as “multiple personalities” as it did when I started out.
I get the good and the not so good of both lifestyles, and as my son gets older I’m glad I didn’t lose the business part, because who is going to hire a lady who has been out of the loop for so long? Fortunately he liked going to daycare. I don’t know if I could have dealt with him crying at every drop-off.