Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,
Can I be honest? Sometimes, I get jealous of you.
Like, when I picture your mornings, minus the chaos of hustling kids out the door to daycare. I picture breakfasts eaten without staring at the clock, maybe a morning kids’ show, everyone still in PJs. I see you taking the kids to the zoo or the park or the lake mid-morning, snapping selfies with them and texting your husband the funny thing your oldest said. I see you throwing a load of laundry in the dryer when you get home (or whenever you WANT!), playing goofy games with the kids over lunch, eating food you didn’t have to pack at 11 PM the night before.
When the youngest goes down for a nap, I see you getting things done around the house, or working on your in-home business, or bonding with your oldest over a craft project. I see you witnessing every milestone and every funny moment, amassing memories that will make you smile years from now. I see you, glowing and healthy from days spent outside, chatting up the other moms at the park or the library or the gym, wearing whatever the heck you want, never going to boring department meetings, never realizing mid-day that you forgot to put deodorant on and can’t do a thing about it…
It all seems so nice, as I sit in my cramped, sunless office, stressing about the project I’m way over my head in and wondering what my kids are doing right now (that I’m missing).
But don’t worry. I know there’s more to it than that.
I know you also deal with meltdowns, and picky eaters, and fighting over toys (over everything), and long, lonely days where you’re way over-touched and you don’t talk to a single person over the age of 4. I know there are rainy days, snowy days, teething days, and inexplicably-crazy-kids days. I know you go to the same park a bazillion times a week, repeat the same phrases to your kids all day, play the same games over and over, and prepare and clean up SO MUCH food.
I know you’re desperate for alone time and adult time, and I know you feel guilty when you take that out on the kids. I know you think about your education and your pre-kids career, and you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. I know you wish you could contribute more financially. I know you worry that you’re pouring so much of yourself into your kids that you might lose sight of who you are.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I see you, and I recognize the sacrifices you’re making for your family. It’s easy for me to focus on the highlights of your life—the things I’m personally missing out on—but I know that’s not the full picture.
The truth is, neither of our lives is perfect or easy, but they’re both pretty dang awesome—just in slightly different ways.
I see you, and I support you. Keep it up, girl!
Love,
Working Mom
Dear Working Mom,
Can I be honest? Sometimes, I get jealous of you.
Like, when I picture your mornings, sipping a still-hot latte, alone at your quiet desk. I see you going to important meetings, talking to important people about important things (or at least, talking to adults about adult things). I see you grabbing lunch with your coworkers, gossiping about the office, maybe on an outdoor patio, maybe over some giant salads and still-cold iced teas. I see you giving presentations, in that cute tailored blazer you have, speaking eloquently and confidently to a room of people who respect your ideas.
I see you planning out your days (and having that actually be a useful endeavor), working on projects that interest and challenge you, getting recognized for your hard work from your peers and superiors. I see you traveling for work—sitting on a plane (ALONE!), staying in a nice hotel room, eating dinner on someone else’s dime. I see how proud you are of your career, how good it makes you feel. I see how extra special the time you spend with your kids is—the way you’re eager to pour into them in the evenings and on weekends, the way you treasure every minute…
It all seems so nice, as I sit here eating leftover cold chicken nugget bits off my son’s plate, half-heartedly yelling at the kids to stop tackling each other and preemptively beating myself up for all the TV I know I’m going to let them watch later.
But don’t worry. I know there’s more to it than that.
I know that you still feel guilty sometimes after dropping off your kids, especially when they cling to you and cry. I know you envy the person who gets to spend their days with your children, seeing the funny things they do and hearing the funny things they say. I know you hate being stuck in your office on a beautiful day, wondering what your kids are up to and wishing you could be part of it.
I know it’s hard at the end of the day, when everyone’s tired and hungry and cranky, and you’re desperately cobbling dinner together before the frantic rush of baths and bedtime, and you SO wish it could be different because those are the only precious hours you get together as a family. I know it sucks to have to cram all the housework and errands into the weekends. I know you get lonely when you travel, and all the nice dinners and hotel rooms in the world can’t compete with those little faces at home that you can’t kiss goodnight. I know you miss your kids, and you wonder if you’re doing the right thing.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I see you, and I recognize the sacrifices you’re making for your family. It’s easy for me to focus on the highlights of your life—the things I’m personally missing out on—but I know that’s not the full picture.
The truth is, neither of our lives is perfect or easy, but they’re both pretty dang awesome—just in slightly different ways.
I see you, and I support you. Keep it up, girl!
Love,
Stay-at-Home Mom
Note:
This post was written by a woman who’s been a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, and a work-from-home mom. She’s felt the unique joys and challenges of each, and is here to scream from the rooftops: none of them were easy. None were perfect. And definitely, none came without guilt.
There’s always greener grass somewhere, and always will be. Don’t forget to look down at your feet from time to time–the ground you’re standing on right now is actually pretty awesome.
I have been a stay-at-home mom since my daughter was born, and I have obviously loved every minute of it. I have a Masters Degree, and I don’t care – nothing worth the time I spend with my baby girl. Now that she is 3, we do different things every day, and I also do get a lot of time to do “me/alone-time” things, while she plays or eats or naps. I know I don’t speak for everyone but I don’t feel like I am missing out on my career, I am just one of those people who is fulfilled by being a mother (although not everyone will be). I am grateful I am in a situation where I can stay home and live life on my terms, but living life on one’s terms and being fulfilled means something different for everyone.
So beautiful and relatable to everyone. It’s disappointing to see arguing in the comments about it still. The trend of mommy shaming seems to be continuing and that is so heartbreaking
What about working Dads with deadbeat stay at home mom who neglect the house, the kids, the laundry and chores and do nothing but play on their phones and laptops all day? Not only that but they also do not pay the bills, hide bills, spend all of the money earned on themselves then hise.it or lie about it? I hate these gender bias one sided stories that are filled with bologna. As parents we should be supporting and lifting each.other up, not posting one sided stories. I would love to b e a stay at home Dad, unfortunately for me my wife decided her job.as as a stay.at hime mom was too much and asked for a divorce. You can only ask someone.so many times.to.do the househild.chores.in a nice way.before.you.get angry about.it.
Just to let you know…taking care of kids, getting housework done and dinner made is virtually impossible every single day, then try adding in a moment for yourself, to eat, pee, take a shower. Maybe if you weren’t so gender bias you would have realized that and rolled up your sleeves and given her some help. Then you probably wouldn’t be divorced.
To be fair, there are a lot of husbands that have unrealistic expectations of their SAH wives. But there are also deadbeat moms, not just dads (another stereotype that many new fathers today are trying to overcome).
You can’t know someone’s personal situation. I know a lot of working dads whose partners don’t help, drain their accounts, don’t take care of their children, run out on their children when they feel like it, or are generally selfish people. One of my good friends works and goes to school to better his family’s financial situation, and would get frustrated when he got home to his SAH wife with a messy house. I thought he was asking a lot of her too, and I wasn’t even a mom yet. Then it became known she was addicted to drugs and ran off with some loser and left him with their children. He lost their car and home because he had no one to care for his daughters and couldn’t work enough to also financially support them. So I was wrong to judge his situation by assuming he was asking too much of his wife.
Gender bias goes both ways.
It’s good to remember that not all working moms go to jobs that involve travel, cute tailored
blazers, offices, and important meetings. Many, if not most, go to jobs that are way less “glamorous”. They may involve such things as scrubs, uniforms, waiting on other people, cleaning for other people, or taking care of other people’s kids.
Exactly. As a working mom who can’t afford latttes, tailored suits, or going out to lunch, this article made me feel like weeping as it informed me I’m missing any perks of being a working mom. Next level Mom guilt.
Can we substitute the word ‘parent’ for mom please 🙂
Sincerely,
Stay at home dad
This post is about empowerment. No need to take offense, belittle others or be jealous, except in a good way as this blog suggests. Loved reading the first few responses from people as this message was clearly a pick me up. There’s just no need for a negative Nancy to turn this message into a downer. Women do what they got to do to move forward and everyone’s walks of life differ and that in itself should be respected.
As an expectant mother who is currently working, and has mommy friends on both side of the spectrum, I appreciate this post so much! Thank you for posting!!!
Thank you. I’ve been a working mom and a stay at home mom. Parenting is hard no matter how you slice it. Let’s be totally honest – sometimes I’m jealous of couples with no children and even of that single life I had in my 20s. No, I wouldn’t change where I am now, it’s just reality to let our thoughts drift to the ‘what ifs.’
Great article. It is sad that some women missed the point entirely. I am a working mom who happens to love my job but that doesn’t mean I love my child any less. A man does not get the guilt trip for working and accused of putting his children on the back burner. In fact men get applauded for working. There are different ways to raise your children and not one is better than the other. It’s all about what works for you family.
I LOVE THIS ? This will clearly show you how hard it is for mothers regardless of which direction they go. It’s almost torture! It’s time to be able to strike a balance!!! It’s the 21st century!?! ? I’m a full-time employee & a single mom! That’s two full time jobs!