We all face difficult times at some point or another, whether it is a move to a new city, the death of a loved one, or troubling news that comes across our TVs. It can be hard enough to process difficult emotions ourselves, let alone talk to our children about issues that we are still struggling to deal with ourselves. I’ve always struggled to hide my emotions, and my kids often pick up on it, even when I don’t think they are looking. So, we have had more than our fair share of difficult conversations over their early years. Here are a few things I’ve learned that have helped us through some of these conversations.
Don’t avoid it or stay silent: Even toddlers can easily pick up on their caregivers’ emotions. Refusing to discuss difficult topics sets an example that there are some things that we cannot discuss with each other, so we have always opted to discuss topics that our children bring up. At times we have had to tell them that we will discuss it later, if it wasn’t an appropriate and calm time to discuss it, but we always try to come back to the topic later and discuss it when we are in the right environment.
Keep it basic: While we do talk to our kids about troubling topics, they don’t need all of the details. I was rather upset when I found out that one of my college friends was nearly a victim of the Florida shooting. When my son picked up on my distress, we told him that my friend was shot at, but we left out how many people died and that it was in a school. My son is still in preschool, so he is unlikely to hear about the news in school. If he was in elementary school, there would be more of a need to tell him what happened in the news because he might hear about it in school.
Avoid euphemisms: We have taken our children to three funerals in the last year, including a very close family member. When we told our children of the deaths, we were careful to say that they had died and what that meant in physical terms. Young children often have a hard time understanding the finality of death and not using direct language can make it more difficult.
Reassurance and love: We reassured our kids that we will do everything to protect them and that we love them. We asked them if they had any question. It was important to keep an open dialog, so we followed up with them periodically to see if they had any questions.
Discuss emotions: Since I don’t disguise my emotions well, I’ve opted for explaining my emotions so that my kids can build empathy and understand that other people have emotions as well. Sometimes young kids show their emotions physically instead of verbally, so we have discussed this with them as well.
We have found many great resources for having difficult conversations with kids. Here are a couple of my favorites:
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/talking-to-children.aspx
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/content/SMA12-4732/SMA12-4732.pdf
Do we have all the answers? No. And it is ok for our kids to know that. We are all doing the best we can with the difficult situations that we have.
