The Elusive Mom Friend

When my husband and I decided to have a baby, I expected that there would be a lot we would have to figure out. Would we use formula or breastfeed? Would I stay home or continue to work? Who would get up for nighttime feedings? (Ok that one wasn’t too hard to figure out.) I read books, blogs and websites to get the best information possible. But I didn’t expect the hardest part for me would be making mom friends.

We were late comers to the idea of having kids. I was 37 when my son was born, and I didn’t know anyone who was pregnant at the same time I was. My group of friends had already gone through their baby days. They had kids who were grown, some having babies themselves. People said, hang in there, you’ll meet friends in parenting class and definitely once your baby is born when you start going to play groups. Well, here I am with a two-year-old son and zero mom friends. And now after moving back to Madison from Eau Claire after 14 years, I’m completely starting from scratch on the friend front.

I see moms laughing and talking with each other at story times and play groups, and I feel that missing piece even more. It’s hard to be on the outside, not quite knowing where or how to start finding my fit. I have never had trouble making friends or starting conversations with people before. Everyone who knows me will tell you that I’m super outgoing and usually the life of the party. So why is this so hard for me?

Then it hit me as I played shrinking violet and wall flower at the last play group my son and I attended. I’m intimidated by other moms. I’m momtimidated. In my mind, moms were always in an exclusive and elusive group I didn’t fit into, until one day I did. I see other moms as wise and all-knowing, probably doing everything right while I sometimes mismatch socks, let my son watch too much Curious George and have laundry piles the size of Mount Everest. Deep down I know everyone has their struggles, and we’re all doing the best we can. I know my son is well cared for and loved beyond words, but being a mom — a good mom — is so important to me that I fear being judged or rejected by that once elusive group. So now here I am with my official mom membership card, and I don’t know how to use it.

I met a nice woman and her daughter in the vitamin aisle at Target last week. She saw me perusing the adult gummies (real grown up, I know) and she made a couple recommendations. We had a brief, but personal conversation about probiotics, and as she walked away I thought about introducing myself and explaining that I was new in town, but I just thanked her, put my gummies in my cart and walked away. Would that have been too weird? Would she have called security? Or would she have been receptive? Now I’ll never know.

I’m not one to sit back and let opportunities and life pass me by, so I have resolved to kick off my wall flower shoes and start introducing myself to people, maybe not necessarily in the grocery store. But why not the next time I see someone friendly at the library or children’s museum? Who knows, the person I encounter may be in the same place I am and just needs someone to smile and say hello. Isn’t that how most friendships start? And as far as the possible judgments or rejections go, well, I would rather try and fail than fail to try.