It’s 3am. I can feel Kennedy’s little feet curling under my back. Even with my eyes closed, I can tell that I am no longer sleeping in the same position I was when I went to bed. I’ve once again managed to contort in a fashion I could never obtain in yoga class, but somehow a night with a preschooler grants me an unbelievable flexibility. My husband is asleep on my other side. The dogs are in their usual spots on the floor. And there is Kennedy, right next to me, snuggled in at 3 years old much like she was when she was just 3 months old. As I adjust my body, she adjusts hers, throwing her arms around my neck and laying her head on my shoulder. Curled into me as she sleeps, we just fit. Like pieces in a puzzle, I am amazed with how we were made for each other. In the darkness of the night, she quietly whispers, “I love you mama” and my heart warms. With my little girl asleep at my side, we both safely and happily drift back into dreamland before another day begins.
Confession: my daughter still sleeps in our bed at night. She pretty much has since the day she was born. It wasn’t what we had planned as a family, but we parent the child we have and do whatever is needed for everyone to thrive. As a high-needs baby, Kennedy has always struggled with sleep and being away from me- doesn’t matter if it is day or night. It was evident early on that in order for anyone in our house to sleep, Kennedy was going to have to be close to me. Joe and I both just knew that what was right for our family may not be what is right for other families. Call it co-sleeping, call it the family bed- we just call it life. I spent the newborn days with half my body curled up into her bassinet until I was desperate enough for some decent sleep and comfortable with pulling her into bed next to me. Safety was always first, and thankfully sleep eventually came too. And now, well now those silent moments in the night are sometimes the sweetest moments of my day.
I often get questions about how certain parts of my marriage work when there is a tiny human sleeping in our bed, but we make sure to keep our relationship a priority. Nothing a little creativity doesn’t solve. Some tell me I’m crazy and they don’t know how I do it. Many tell me that in some way shape or form their kids are also asleep next to them. At the end of the day, we are all just doing what is best for our families, no judgments made. What once was a necessity for our family’s sanity is now just part of our life. Kennedy will let us know in time when she is ready to sleep in her own bed, but for right now this is what works for all of us. It won’t be forever, so I’m going to cherish those sweet sleeping moments while I have them.
Our days are filled with love and laughter, but they are sometimes long and trying. However, each night as her body quiets and her breaths get heavier, I am reminded just how precious every moment is together. I love lying next to her as she falls asleep. Even on the toughest of days, we can reconnect. When my head starts to critique all the times I wasn’t patient enough or all the mom-fails I feel guilty about, she snuggles her little body in closer and tells me her favorite parts of the day. She unconsciously reminds me that I am my toughest critique and that to her I am a superhero.
Sure, waking up to her little hands poking my nose may seem annoying at 5am, but it is my favorite way to start the day. She wakes with a smile so big and ready for the next adventure, forgiving me of my mistakes of yesterday and just purely excited to be with me today. Sometimes those simple moments together at night or first thing in the morning teach me the biggest lessons in motherhood and remind me of the daily joys. Some days they are the moments that keep me going in the midst of the meltdowns and preschool sass. I need those moments just as much as she does. When motherhood feels like a thankless job, I get those midnight snuggles and am reminded of what a beautiful journey this is.
No matter how much Kennedy grows, when she lies next to me sleeping she is always my little baby. She may have told me a million times that day that she can do it all herself, but in the silence of the night, I know I am still needed. I know she feels safe. I know I am there for her to reach to when she has a bad dream or if she just needs her mamas touch. I know that I cannot shelter her from the world, but that while she is sleeping next to me I can at least pretend that I can protect her from all those scary things out there.
Maybe I’m crazy for her still sleeping in bed with us. But I love it. I know with all my heart that I will never regret the moments at night we spend close together. I will never regret being able to hold her close after she wakes up from a nightmare. I will never regret her reaching for me when she needs me. I know one day she will choose to sleep in her own bed, in her own room. I will respect that, but I will also miss her. She won’t always need me, but I hope she knows that when she does I am there. Maybe she’ll crawl into my bed after her first heartbreak and cry in my arms until she falls asleep. Maybe she’ll just need a little comfort on a stormy night. Maybe when she is older with her own kids, she’ll need her own mama to hold her and stroke her hair until she is asleep. And even then, I will kiss her goodnight and hold her tight in my arms as she drifts into dreamland. Always my little girl, asleep at my side.
My son is 6 and still sleeps with me every night. I know one day, he won’t want to be with mom sleeping so I treasure each night. He has always been a difficult and high-needs baby too. Enjoy this special time together!
Beautifully written. That is how I feel with my own son.