My journey with infertility

Infertility. I never knew that one word could have such an impact on my life and even now I experience a wide array of emotions when discussing my journey. Early on I was much more closed off about what we were going through – but as the days, weeks and months wore on I became much more open about our struggle to start our family.  As I opened up about our infertility I was able to find comfort in knowing that we were not alone.

Now that we are the parents of a sweet, healthy, vivacious and strong-willed one-year-old it’s hard to imagine life without her. But for a long time she was just a dream for us. We were lucky to have a strong support team to share our journey with, as well as a very close friend who was going through the exact same thing. It’s a topic that is difficult (and sometimes taboo) to talk about. Infertility is something that people can’t truly understand or grasp unless they’ve been in those shoes. In the shoes of someone who so desperately wants a baby with the person he/she loves while watching what seems like (thanks to Facebook) every person around them becoming pregnant.

Looking back, things could have been a lot tougher. But at the time it seemed like more than I could handle. We lived on a calendar, counting cycle days, taking concoctions of various medications combined with injections, more blood-work than I can even describe, having ultra sound after ultra sound, IUI after IUI, followed by false hope and ending with extreme and utter disappointment. At the end of each month I would isolate myself away from the world… I would cry for an entire day while wondering why our love wasn’t enough to make a baby. I would text my mom three words “I’m not pregnant.” Because I knew that hearing her sympathetic voice would make me cry harder. The next day I would regain my composure and start all over with counting the days on the calendar.

The hardest part was hearing expectant mothers complain about morning sickness, fatigue and weight gain. I had to block out when I would hear mothers complaining about their children. I yearned to have a baby and didn’t care if it meant I would be giving up sleep and/or personal freedom. Hearing people tell me not to stress or that everything happens for a reason made me want to scream (seriously – never tell someone who aches for a family that everything happens for a reason… it’s really just mean.) I can’t count the number of people who told me that their co-worker’s – cousin’s – friend’s – sister got pregnant right after they adopted. I learned to just smile and stay outwardly positive.

Each month I felt a huge void, it was as if I was mourning the loss of a child who was still but a dream to me. In November of 2011, after our 5^th IUI, our miracle baby was conceived. She was/is/and always will be a dream come true. I had become so numb to what we were experiencing that I didn’t even flinch at the positive pregnancy test. I was convinced it was an error. So convinced that I went to Target and bought three more… just to confirm. After multiple positive pregnancy tests, I believed it. Finally I was crying tears of joy instead of sorrow. Would we have a boy or a girl? What would we name him/her? Would he/she look like my husband or like me? None of it mattered as long as he/she was healthy. From the moment our daughter was born, I have looked at her with such awe. She is the biggest blessing of my life and worth every second, minute and hour of the anguish we experienced during our journey through infertility. Even now, I don’t know how we got so lucky to have such a sweet and healthy baby girl. As we begin our second round of infertility (we are on our 4^th round of trying for baby #2, already with a failed IUI), I am faced with the same emotions as the first time around. This time there is added guilt for wanting another child when I already have been greatly blessed. But we got through it once and I know that we will get through it again. The end result, the blessing of a baby is immeasurable.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the process of fertility treatments and to let it completely consume your life. What I learned the first time around is that it’s important to continue to live joyfully, to continue to live your life… to love your life. Don’t give up on your fight to become a mama. Anything worth having is worth fighting for and I promise you – the moment you see your precious baby for the first time you will know that you would do it all over again (a million times over) in a heartbeat.

Infertility is emotionally, physically and financially draining. I count my blessings every day for having a loving husband who has stood by my side through it all. He loves me even when I feel completely unlovable. He has comforted me when my world has felt shattered. He stays positive for me, for us, for our family. And most of all, together we made our dream come true. If you or someone you know is experiencing infertility, tell them they are not alone. Give them a shoulder to cry on when they are feeling lost or after their 100th negative pregnancy test. Give them an ear when they feel like talking – let them know they are loved and that there is a plan for them. But whatever you do, don’t tell them everything happens for a reason – I promise you that is the last thing they want to hear.

{All photos courtesy of Angela Sleep Photography}