Nine years ago, on April Fool’s Day no less, I found out I was pregnant with twins. It was the happiest surprise I have ever received. Certainly I didn’t think we would be proud parents of not just one but two babies in a handful of months.
Now, whenever I hear someone is expecting or has just had twins, my immediate reaction is to cringe. It’s rough. Magical, sure, but also rough. It really was a dream come true for me, but reality shines a harsh spotlight on things. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything. But raising them has taken more strength than I ever thought I had, and it’s far from over, folks.
I used to say I wouldn’t wish twins on my worst enemy, but now that I really think about it, I totally would. That would be the best revenge. Screw me over? TRIPLETS o’er both your houses! Good luck keeping your sanity, and don’t come crying to me when you realize what a mess it is.
In a perfect world, having twins is a double blessing and nothing more. In a perfect world, they sleep all night from Day 1 and you have the energy to wrangle two babies during the long daylight hours. You don’t go into debt to feed your growing prodigy and pay other people to keep your kids alive during work hours at the exact same time. Twins don’t teethe or potty-train or get sick simultaneously. Your eyes can split in opposite directions, and your arms can extend twice their normal length by sheer force of will.
The world is not perfect, and nothing is exactly what you plan or expect. You can’t prepare for twins. You can buy two of everything and find the best double stroller, and yet, you are still not really and truly prepared for this particular lifestyle.
Some of the Pros
One pregnancy
One delivery
Instant family of four
Double the adorable baby things, moments, and milestones
Twins of roughly the same size can share a wardrobe
Built-in playmate
One birthday party
They learn to share pretty darn quick
Some of the Cons
One pregnancy with risk for a lot more complications, too numerous to mention
One delivery, again with risk for a lot more complications. For example, I had to leave my four-day-old babies in the care of my parents around midnight while my husband drove me to the ER when my C-section incision burst open.
Crash course in 1:1 parent-to-baby ratio (this could be a pro, but it doesn’t really feel like it until you’re past it)
You’re too exhausted to appreciate or remember the adorable baby things, moments, and milestones when they happen
Twins of roughly the same size can argue over their shared wardrobe
Built-in enemy/competition
Forget trying to take them solo to the grocery store together in a double stroller – how are you going to manage the grocery cart? Or swimming when they’re toddlers unless you like living dangerously.
Twice as many bottles, middle-of-the-night feedings, diapers, diaper rashes, fevers, temper tantrums, etc.
They will always be known as “the twins” by some people rather than as individuals with distinct personalities. You will hear “You must have your hands full!” and “Twins must be so easy!” with equal frequency. You totally want to do the Katniss-three-finger-salute to any mom or dad you see out and about with twins. They will be asked, on more than one occasion, what it’s like to have a twin. They may not even give an answer, because that’s akin to being asked what it’s like to have two arms or both eyebrows.
You will gaze longingly at a parent or parents with one child and think, wow, that must be nice. Of course, you don’t know if there are more kids in the family or unfulfilled wishes for more children. You also don’t know if someone sees you with your twins and wants what you have. Oh, grass on the other side.
Yes, they can keep each other company and play together, but it took us four years to get to that point. Do you know what else takes (about) four years? Earning a college degree. Like higher education, it doesn’t exactly come easy, and there are very good reasons not everyone does it. To anyone who goes above and beyond that, in terms of children or education, I commend the heck out of you. I have accomplished this much and am hanging up my hat. Now I enjoy referring to myself as an old woman, Olenna-Tyrell style.
Despite your best intentions, never ask them a question together and expect to get the same answer. If you’re giving them a choice, odds are they will give opposite responses and then you will have to be the responsible adult objective tie-breaker, and at least one person will be unhappier than when you started this whole dilemma.
Now, I understand many of the struggles of twins apply to anyone with more than one kid. But hear me out. Have you ever tried juggling two balls? It’s nice to start with one and then add the second when you’re good and ready. When you have a rhythm going and are used to handling the first one. When the first one is out of diapers, say, and weaned, maybe. Seems manageable.
With twins, it’s chaos from the get-go. It’s “Dear Lord, I am dropping both balls and they are flying in opposite directions. How do people do this?” At least at first. You get the hang of it, but if anyone asks, you tell them you would much rather have started with one ball. And then you flash your multi-tasking badge while trying to hide your gray hairs. And you about fall over trying to figure out how to put them both through college.
This is one of the better writing pieces about the ‘joys’ of twin parenthood. Not overly sweet or too brutally honest. Just logical. I loved the juggling analogy! – Mine are 6 now and I’ve finally slowed down the frequent entry of googling how to survive Twins. It really should be a university course, a masters and PhD.
Thank you, Theresa! It’s such an experience, isn’t it?
Thank you for this article. We are doing IVF and considering two embryos vs one. In theory, twins sounds great. We already have a 3 year old… though decisions!