Last weekend, in a fit of second trimester “nesting”, I decided to tackle my son’s baby clothes. For 2 years, I have kept them meticulously sorted in large plastic ziplocks by size, and stored them in giant tupperware in our storage room. Now that I know we are having a little girl, I decided it was time to sort through them and see what I wanted to save for her, and what I am ready to give away. It took a couple hours, partly because there were so many clothes, and partly because there was a LOT I wasn’t ready to give away yet. I will admit I got a little weepy (yay, pregnancy hormones!) looking through all my son’s old clothes, especially the ones he most recently grew out of. It felt like a visual representation of how fast time goes, and I had already been feeling a bit bummed knowing I only have a few more months to spend with “just” my son.
While I am incredibly happy to be pregnant, and so excited to be expecting a little baby girl, I have to admit, there are times I struggle with the idea of losing time with my son, my first-born, and the current center of my universe. With my second trimester winding down, I realize the final 3 months of my pregnancy aren’t just a countdown to the birth of my precious baby girl, but a countdown of the final moments I have as a mother of one. Soon, my attention will be divided, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to spend the same amount of time and energy on my son.
Sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is going by too fast, and that I’m running out of time with him. For two years, my life has revolved around his needs – his nap schedule, swim classes and playdates. For two years, I have spent more time with him than anyone else in my life, including my husband. It’s hard to imagine that in just a few months, all that will change. Of course we will still spend time together, and of course he will still be one of the most important people in my life, but our day to day lives will change dramatically. I will have a baby to consider, a baby with her own demands and needs and schedule. I have no idea all the ways this baby will change our lives, or how she will fit in to our family. Sometimes all I feel is excited…but sometimes, I also feel a little sad and a lot nervous.
I am excited to give my son the gift of a sibling. I grew up with brothers and I feel so lucky that I have been able to share so much of my life with them. I’m looking forward to seeing him interact with the baby and how their relationship evolves as they both grow up. The thing is, I still feel a little sad that my days of hanging out with only my little guy are coming to an end. I always knew having a second child would be an adjustment for all of us, just as having our first was an adjustment for my husband and me. But I worry sometimes that not having my undivided attention might change the bond I have with my son. Will our relationship still be as strong as it is now? How will it make him feel to see me caring for another child? How will I make sure that I am spreading my love and energy and attention equally?
There are so many unknowns in parenting, and as my family expands, I will continue to do what I’ve always tried to do as a mom…my best. In the meantime, I have 3 more months to smother my son with affection, and I’m planning to soak up as much mother-son time as I possibly can – for my benefit as much as his. Soon there will be another member of our family, and I am excited to see how our lives and hearts expand to include her.