After a quick labor and fast delivery I gave birth to my first born baby, a beautiful boy. I was terrified and in love all at once. His arrival rocked my world and immediately moved my heart to the outside of my body. It was as if every emotion I had ever had was intensified and on display. His tiny finger wrapped around mine proved just how much he would need me forever. I can feel the softness of his skin and the weight of his body in my arms. But while it feels like only yesterday, this life changing moment of mine happened over 14 years ago. My beautiful baby boy is about to enter high school.
A lot has happened in the years since I gave birth to my first born son. He’s put up with a lot from my learning curves as a parent, and I’ve committed daily to giving myself a time out when I discover us locked in an unintentional eye rolling contest.
I’ve never been the type of parent to be sad that my kids are getting older. I really enjoy who my son is becoming as a young teenager. But there is something about the start of high school that has been taking over my thoughts and emotions. I recently heard it described as the long goodbye and I think that is the perfect description of the adventure we are about to embark on.
The goodbye to me is twofold – there is the fact that in 4 short years he may be living away from home – but also the fact that he is no longer the child he used to be. When I look at him now, taller than I am, I can still see the little boy I dropped off at preschool and walked hand-in-hand with into kindergarten. I can hear his tiny voice and feel his little arms wrapped around my neck. There is a small ache around the fact that I still have such a strong connection to that little person even though he no longer exists. Grown. Changed. The same person yet not at all. Infant, toddler, little boy, middle schooler – commence the long goodbye.
Every so often lately my son will do something sweet or funny and I’ll think, “I’m really going to miss this.” Because eventually it’s coming – the before and after. There will be the time he lived with us and we saw him every day, and there will be the time he spends his days and nights somewhere else. His definition of home will shift from where he grew up to where he decides to live. Soon seeds will be planted and plans will begin so he can prepare for what will come after the next four years. I can no longer stand in front of him with two sets of pajamas and ask if he would prefer stripes or trucks- he will have to look inside of himself and decide which direction he will choose to take in his life. Blue cup or green – it all seems so simple now.
I’m not here to tell you that time flies by (but it does!) so you should enjoy every moment, I would not choose to go back to some of those early years even if I could. But there will come a time when the child that was will be wrapped up inside of a teenager that is. The long goodbye will include the past, the present, and the future.
So maybe his tiny hand wrapped around my finger as a newborn didn’t mean he would need me forever in the way I thought it did. Maybe instead of meaning that he would need me to protect him forever, it was getting us prepared for the long goodbye. It means I will always be here for him throughout his years – patiently holding out my hand so he can grab on and let go as many times as he needs to.
