Be Kind to Yourself, Mama

Yesterday was one of those cold, brutal winter days where you can’t even take your kids for a walk outside, let alone let them go sledding or build a snowman. We were stir crazy and bored, and I woke up crabby and overwhelmed. My husband, in an attempt to find something fun for us to do, came up with an idea to take the kiddos bowling.

When we arrived, we were given a lane next to a group of pretty serious bowlers who were not too happy about my toddler and preschooler’s whoops of joy and excitement. They weren’t being “bad” or anything…but they were acting in a way that prior to kids I probably would’ve said, “MY kids will NEVER act like that.” And there may have been a tantrum or two, not going to lie. It made me self-conscious, feeling like I needed to shh my son when he would yelp with happiness like we were in a library instead of dark and smelly bowling alley. The group never said anything to us, but they were icy from the second we showed up and eventually asked to move to a different lane as far away from my little family as they could be. Ouch. Hard not to take that personally.

Later that day we braved the freezing weather for a trip to the grocery store, where we parked and ran inside as fast as we could with our little ones. A woman right behind us commented to her friend, “Look at that little boy…He’s not even wearing a coat!” ABOUT MY SON, RIGHT in front of me. The thing is, she was right, which made me feel even more defensive about it. He wasn’t wearing a winter coat, because he can’t wear one in his carseat. Instead, we do layers with a fleece jacket on top and do the whole “park and run” technique. He was fine. He was warm enough and any other day, I would have just laughed with her and made a joke about it. But that day, a day that started all wrong and seemed to unravel despite our best efforts, THAT day I felt a little crack in my confidence. I started to doubt myself, checking out other kids at the store to see what they were wearing, wondering why I seemed to be doing everything wrong.

That brings me to today. Day four of my New Year’s diet, day a million of cranky, stir-crazy kids, and day a billion of having a to-do list a mile long. As usual, I rushed to get the kids out the door so my son could make it to preschool on time. Once there, my son’s teacher and I talked for a few minutes about an issue with my son (another source of major anxiety for me) and something about the kindness in her voice, the understanding in her face, the way she looked me in the eye and made me feel like everything was going to be ok, that I was doing a good job…I almost lost it. Correction…I TOTALLY lost it, but I waited until I got out to my car.

There I was, leaving the school parking lot with my daughter screaming in the backseat (she suddenly HATES being in her carseat) with tears streaming down my face. And I couldn’t put my finger on exactly WHAT was wrong. Nothing in particular WAS wrong. And yet, everything was wrong.

As I drove away, I scolded myself for being such a baby. Was I really still upset about being judged by a group of strangers? I felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself and for being so dang sensitive for no reason. What is WRONG with me?! I wondered. But of course it was more than just the events of that day. When you already feel overwhelmed and stressed and sensitive and inadequate, it doesn’t take much to knock you off your game.

At that moment I realized the only thing I really wanted was a sugar filled, calorie filled chocolate mocha from Starbucks, a clear no-no of my New Year’s diet, and it hit me, a little voice in my head (probably the devil on my shoulder, but whatever) saying “Be kind to yourself”. And there it was, as simple as that. It made me cry harder, but I realized that’s exactly what I needed. A mocha. To be kind to myself, to sit and drink it in peace on the couch surrounded by toys that needed to be put away and breakfast dishes that needed to be washed. To give myself a much needed, rarely taken break. To quit heckling myself. To stop kicking myself while I was down.

Here’s the thing, mamas. There will be days when no one is kind to you, when your kids are whiny and strangers give you looks at Target and you haven’t seen your friends in forever and you feel like the loneliest, most pathetic person on the planet. There will be days when you when you hold yourself to impossible standards – of cleanliness or parenting or health. There will be days when you are tired, crabby, overwhelmed, emotional, lonely or sad or all of the above. There will be days when you crack a bit, over nothing.

Please be kind to yourself.

It’s so easy to forget this. But that mocha, that workout, that donut, that manicure, that phone call to a friend, that nap, that day in bed with a good book, that THING that will soothe your soul and recharge your battery…that can make all the difference. Please prioritize yourself when you need to, even if you only have 5 minutes at the end of the day. Listen to the voice in your head telling you what you need, and don’t feel guilty for a single second.

And on the days when you are feeling great, when life seems like it is bursting at the seams with amazingness, please share that joy with others. A kind look, an understanding word…well, those are the things that can make all the difference to someone else.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. And drink a mocha if you need to.