I think the “no gifts, please” trend on kiddie birthday party invitations is rude. There, I said it, and it’s a relief to get this unpopular opinion off my chest. Judging from the amount of gift-less parties we have attended in the last few years, I am clearly in the minority on this one, but let me explain.
- Invitations are not the place to say anything about gifts. This is an ironclad etiquette rule from back in the day. Unless it’s a shower (and even then some etiquette experts cringe), an invitation to an event shouldn’t say a word about gifts because events are about people, not presents. Mentioning gifts turns them into obligations. The best thing to do is to say nothing about presents on an event invitation. The same goes for using birthday parties as a reason to raise money for an event. Even if you are telling guests to bring donations, you are still telling them to bring something, and that’s not appropriate on an invitation. This even applies to asking for books for a book exchange—great idea; not invitation-appropriate.
- Gifts at birthday parties are a cultural expectation, and violating expectations makes people feel uncomfortable, which is the exact opposite of good manners. Think about it: manners are supposed to make us feel at ease. We have all been to a “no gifts” party where someone brought a gift anyway. This makes all of the non-gift bringers feel bad, and sometimes it makes the host act in an ungracious way. Discomfort all around! And, going back to the first item on the list, the party is, for a moment at least, all about gifts, which is just yucky.
- A “no gifts message” has a rude subtext that makes the host sound ungrateful. People appreciate the work and expense that goes into a birthday party, and it’s fun to show the host or at least the host’s child how much they appreciate the party and want to celebrate the birthday child. Sure, you can always have your kiddo make a card and maybe bring a small treat to the birthday kid, but the “no gifts” request can make guests feel unwelcome before the event even begins. It’s like saying to your guests Look, I know you are going to buy gauche plastic toys that take up too much space in my house, so just forget it. Or, My snowflake lives in an abundant land of plenty. They don’t need more things, unlike other gift-grubbing children. Or even Ugh, look, we’re just going to take it back, so save us the trip.
So what do you do instead of requesting no gifts?
- If parents of guests ask you what to get, you can tell them about the fundraiser for the local animal shelter your kid wants to support. You can mention that your kid loves homemade crafts from friends. You can suggest a book or two. You can even tell them a gift is not necessary. If asked what to buy the birthday child, think about things your kid can use, and think about the feelings of your guests.
- Purge before the party, so you don’t feel overwhelmed by all the toys in your house.
- Talk with your child before the party and suggest that they donate some toys to a nearby charity so they can share the birthday wealth.
- Scale down the birthday party to make gifts manageable. Want fewer presents? Invite fewer friends.
- Squelch any greed monsters living in your house. Remind your kids that presents are treats, not requirements. That way, they will be delighted to receive anything, and you can use the party as a gratitude exercise. Your birthday child can practice good manners by thanking guests in person and again via thank you note, and they can make or help you buy a tiny present for each party guest as well.
Listen, I get it. Nobody wants to drown in plastic clutter, and lots of people privilege experiences over material possessions. But, really, it’s rude to talk about gifts on invitations in any context. So, you need to be a gracious host to your guests and think about their feelings, not your own. To be honest, the biggest reason I think this trend is rude is that is just smacks of elitism and makes guests feel like their offerings could never be good enough, which might be the opposite of the intended message but still has the potential to hurt some feelings.
One more thing: If you have a “no gifts” party and someone is gauche enough to bring a gift anyway, you have to be nice about it. This should go without saying, but this past year, I didn’t notice the “no gifts” request on an evite, and my kid showed up with a tissue-paper-stuffed, super-hero gift bag. The host mom? Almost didn’t take the present, which was so uncomfortable for me, for her, and for my child. I ended up apologizing for bringing a present, and we both felt stupid.
Next time you host a party, make a choice to be grateful for your guests and whatever they bring—or don’t bring—to the party. Remember, their presence is the real present.
Because the cultural norm is to bring gifts to a party I understand why a host would say no gifts please if they don’t want extra gifts for their child. Ettiquette has changed and Emily Post rules have gone out the window. My rule of thumb is to respect what the host says. If I do that I don’t care what other guests do. If an invite says no gifts I won’t bring one. In my my opinion going against what the host requests is basically saying “I don’t care what what you have to say.” Hosts have their valid reasons for allowing gifts or not requesting gifts. Living in a society that is has an over abundance of stuff I understand why a person would say we don’t want more things.
I think you re so right that as a guest you have to respect the host. We completely agree on that!
When an invitation says no gifts, we bring a card and with a small Orange Leaf gift card as a thank you for inviting us. We say in the card thank you for the invitation and we want them to enjoy one of our favorite places. It’s not a gift, but a small thank you token for their family to enjoy.
We have thrown a “no gift necessary” party, and have been to many. When I spend $300 renting out a place, I want all my child’s friends to be able to attend. However, one year, we ended up with 30 something gifts 3 days after Christmas, which was a lot, which is why we opted for no gifts. Some people did bring gifts and I thanked them. Some people did not. I was fine with that as well. We ended with gifts that were smaller, such as earrings, which was great. I was happy with the way it went. No one should feel bad about bringing or not bringing.
I love the small gift card idea! We usually give ice cream store gift cards as party favors, but they absolutely work this way, too.
I’m not a “Madison Mom”, however follow your page since I have a friend who is on it. I know it’s not the same, however, years ago, my siblings and I would get together for Christmas and exchange gifts…..eventually, we all started having kids and the gifts all got to be overwhelming (and expensive). We made a pact amongst ourselves (4 of us) that we would only buy gifts for the kids….no adult gifts. Since we all (except one sister) had only two kids, we agreed this would be the way to go. We also agreed one gift per child. Each Christmas, one of the siblings would show up with literally a truckload of gifts, including gifts for all adults……making it extremely uncomfortable for the other siblings who showed up with the agreed upon one gift. Matters became heated when this sib. just refused to follow our agreed upon rules…showing up each year with presents galore. Now, no one gets together for the holidays….our kids really don’t know their cousins….all because one person could not follow the rules. I guess the point is that if there is request for “gifts” or “no gifts”, the request should be respected. I would assume that the parents of a “no gift” party have already advised their child that there will be no gifts….and the child is okay with that…if so, follow the request of the parent…..Mom/Grandmother from Massachusetts/Florida.
I agree FOR SURE that the request should be respected. And I hear you on the family gifting drama, too. That’s why for me the best approach is to say nothing– people can give or not, and I don’t have to make presents the focus of the party.
I see both sides of this. Yes, it can get expensive buying gifts for multiple families, but some people get great joy out of giving gifts. I think the problem arises when people think that everyone has to do the same thing, or give the same amount. Or, when people keep score and compare what others are gifting. When I was married, my husband’s family had a similar rule. The adult children just did gifts for the kids and his parents and we drew a name of one other family member to give to, with a $50 limit. The reason was because some of his siblings complained about the cost of multiple gifts. I understand the reason, but I hated it. My favorite part of Christmas has always been giving gifts! I am far from wealthy, but I plan ahead, look for bargains, or take time to hand make a gift. Not being able to do that always made me a little sad. I would be happy to give 100 gifts and receive none. I did follow the rules, but it took the fun out of Christmas. The flip side of this is managing expectations and gratefulness. Not everyone can go overboard with expensive gifts. We should all be thankful for any gift, no matter how big or small. And we should try not to compare what we give to what others give. Then, maybe we wouldn’t need these rules. Many people say “it’s the thought that counts”. I believe that to be true, but it can be hard to remember in today’s society. It can be difficult to not look at someone giving a gold bracelet and feel like your plate of homemade cookies or a heartfelt card is inferior. But, any gift given with love is meaningful and valuable. When we stop competing and comparing, then everyone can have a joyful holiday.
In our party-circle ‘no gifts’ is the noted norm. BUT we get gifts at each kids’ party and we always bring a gift. Ike’s gifts this weekend were a paper robot, several handmade cards, and a balloon. We brought a card and a small (fits in the card) toy. Fiona received flowers and other hand-made items. It seems that that ‘no gifts’ is the standard to alleviate concern on the gifting but etiquette is strong in the midwest and to arrive without a hostess gift is just too far for some of us to imagine.
I love this, and you;’re right– it just feels WRONG to show up without something fr the host and bday kid. These are good no-gift gift ideas!
This is ridiculous. Not having to bring gifts to a birthday party is a GREAT thing. The truth is that if we really want parties to be about people you do that by focusing on people and freeing us up from the presents. No need to add to our society’s over-consuption and take away your guests’ time and mental energy and money from much more important things.
Agreed that presents shouldn’t be mentioned on an invitation, but requesting NO presents is absolutely fine. I can’t believe someone thinks it’s rude to request no presents at a party. It’s considerate!
I appreciate this perspective so much! Thank you for sharing 🙂
I feel pretty strongly about this. It’s precisely for the reason the author states in number one that we have done and no gifts necessary birthday partying and other celebrations It’s about the people, the experience of the party and having fun together. Working with kids and parents for over 20 years from many different social and economic and cultural backgrounds has taught me a lot. The biggest lesson being that there is a lot of variety in the world. Not everybody throws expensive parties. Not everybody wants gifts. You do you and please don’t shame anybody for whatever their choice is. We don’t EVER want people to decline our invitation because they can’t buy a gift, or even supplies to make a gift, or because they don’t have a way to actually travel to the party any more than we want them to EXPECT us to throw a party for a whole group or that a party meet their expectations for what OUR celebration should be. My family and I are not at all concerned about what you think of our choices, but rather whether or not you are interested in learning about them and us, and being a part of our lives. ☮️
I agree with you that I would never want gifts to be a reason someone couldn’t attend the party. I also think you are right to note location as something impacts attendance. In our experience, gifts have not been a barrier, and since we don’t mention them at all on invitations, some kids come without. We don’t open them at the party typically (we might as an at-home party), and my kids write thank-you notes. I think we manage to make the event not about gifts while also showing gratitude to our guests.
I’ve taught my kids to be grateful when others have taken their time to attend a birthday party, not to obsess over gifts. Stuff is not important. We had a serious mold problem at our last home and had to get rid of all the toys. It was a wake up call for me. I hate that I grew up in a world where gifts were so center stage. Getting gifts doesn’t make me feel loved. I have a mother who stresses herself out every Christmas because she lives far away. She thinks the grandkids need gifts to feel her love. 1) Kids don’t think about who gave them what, 2) I’d rather she spend her money on a plane ticket to visit.
No gifts at birthday parties is sooo freeing!!! And hey, not having all that extra unwanted plastic wrapping, packaging, and unused toys leaves a better world for these little kids we are throwing the parties for, anyway. I’m baffled that anyone is seriously offended by another parent’s desire to teach their kids about gratitude, minimalism, and caring about our planet.
I think it is possible to respect gratitude and minimalism and the environment and still not mention gifts at all on a birthday invitation. This is such an important perspective– thank you so much!
My daughter had a HUGE party this year. We asked for donations to a local food pantry in leiu od gifts and it was very well received. Of course family and close friends gave gifts and we were very grateful.
Thanks for sharing this!
We also asked for donations to our local food pantry. We collected 80 pounds. It was awesome and my daughter was very excited to give the food pantry the donations. I’m glad she was able to use her birthday as an opportunity to give back. She has plenty in life.
I see this very differently. The writer assumes the request for no gets is because they are somehow ungrateful or feel the gifts are junk/unneeded.
I see it in a different t way.
We moved to a very small town recently. We had no family. No friends. And we have a birthday coming. More than anything my four year old wants a birthday party. But with no one around, who do you invite. Everyone is a near stranger. I fear a gift is an extra barrier to people attending. They don’t know us, and people get exhausted from all the birthday parties for children’s school friends.
Adding no gift is a hope it takes that extra monetary barrier away. Still asking them to give up two or three hours for a near stranger but at least they don’t have the hassle or expense of having to buy a gift so hopefully people will
Come to play with her on her birthday.