I think the “no gifts, please” trend on kiddie birthday party invitations is rude. There, I said it, and it’s a relief to get this unpopular opinion off my chest. Judging from the amount of gift-less parties we have attended in the last few years, I am clearly in the minority on this one, but let me explain.
- Invitations are not the place to say anything about gifts. This is an ironclad etiquette rule from back in the day. Unless it’s a shower (and even then some etiquette experts cringe), an invitation to an event shouldn’t say a word about gifts because events are about people, not presents. Mentioning gifts turns them into obligations. The best thing to do is to say nothing about presents on an event invitation. The same goes for using birthday parties as a reason to raise money for an event. Even if you are telling guests to bring donations, you are still telling them to bring something, and that’s not appropriate on an invitation. This even applies to asking for books for a book exchange—great idea; not invitation-appropriate.
- Gifts at birthday parties are a cultural expectation, and violating expectations makes people feel uncomfortable, which is the exact opposite of good manners. Think about it: manners are supposed to make us feel at ease. We have all been to a “no gifts” party where someone brought a gift anyway. This makes all of the non-gift bringers feel bad, and sometimes it makes the host act in an ungracious way. Discomfort all around! And, going back to the first item on the list, the party is, for a moment at least, all about gifts, which is just yucky.
- A “no gifts message” has a rude subtext that makes the host sound ungrateful. People appreciate the work and expense that goes into a birthday party, and it’s fun to show the host or at least the host’s child how much they appreciate the party and want to celebrate the birthday child. Sure, you can always have your kiddo make a card and maybe bring a small treat to the birthday kid, but the “no gifts” request can make guests feel unwelcome before the event even begins. It’s like saying to your guests Look, I know you are going to buy gauche plastic toys that take up too much space in my house, so just forget it. Or, My snowflake lives in an abundant land of plenty. They don’t need more things, unlike other gift-grubbing children. Or even Ugh, look, we’re just going to take it back, so save us the trip.
So what do you do instead of requesting no gifts?
- If parents of guests ask you what to get, you can tell them about the fundraiser for the local animal shelter your kid wants to support. You can mention that your kid loves homemade crafts from friends. You can suggest a book or two. You can even tell them a gift is not necessary. If asked what to buy the birthday child, think about things your kid can use, and think about the feelings of your guests.
- Purge before the party, so you don’t feel overwhelmed by all the toys in your house.
- Talk with your child before the party and suggest that they donate some toys to a nearby charity so they can share the birthday wealth.
- Scale down the birthday party to make gifts manageable. Want fewer presents? Invite fewer friends.
- Squelch any greed monsters living in your house. Remind your kids that presents are treats, not requirements. That way, they will be delighted to receive anything, and you can use the party as a gratitude exercise. Your birthday child can practice good manners by thanking guests in person and again via thank you note, and they can make or help you buy a tiny present for each party guest as well.
Listen, I get it. Nobody wants to drown in plastic clutter, and lots of people privilege experiences over material possessions. But, really, it’s rude to talk about gifts on invitations in any context. So, you need to be a gracious host to your guests and think about their feelings, not your own. To be honest, the biggest reason I think this trend is rude is that is just smacks of elitism and makes guests feel like their offerings could never be good enough, which might be the opposite of the intended message but still has the potential to hurt some feelings.
One more thing: If you have a “no gifts” party and someone is gauche enough to bring a gift anyway, you have to be nice about it. This should go without saying, but this past year, I didn’t notice the “no gifts” request on an evite, and my kid showed up with a tissue-paper-stuffed, super-hero gift bag. The host mom? Almost didn’t take the present, which was so uncomfortable for me, for her, and for my child. I ended up apologizing for bringing a present, and we both felt stupid.
Next time you host a party, make a choice to be grateful for your guests and whatever they bring—or don’t bring—to the party. Remember, their presence is the real present.
I appreciate hearing a different perspective bc “no gift” birthdays are pretty common where I live, but I see this very differently than the writer. Mainly, I do not feel that it is elitist to request no gifts, in fact I believe it is quite the opposite. The writer is assuming no gifts are requested because the gifts would not be good enough, and for my family that could not be further from the truth. My son has had “no gift” parties for the past several years (and yep, it’s right there on the invitation too), and they have been very well received. We do this because I do not want my son’s birthday party to be a burden to other families. My son has many friends from varying socio-economic backgrounds, and I want all children who are invited to feel like they can come and enjoy the party. I do not want their parents to either refuse the invite, or spend their much needed money on a gift for my child who needs absolutely nothing. My son just wants to celebrate with his friends, he does not want anything from them. I also believe that this has helped him to focus on enjoying the presence of his friends, and not the gifts. We graciously accept any gifts that are given (and he will usually receive some from his very best friends) and open those separately and privately after the party.
I’m not a fan of the no gift rule either. Even though I’ve been invited to several, people always bring gifts anyway. Because as you said it’s the social norm.
Last year I was 8 months pregnant and completely forgot about a birthday party for my four year olds friend until it was about to start. And the card said no gifts, so I just went with it and didn’t bring anything other than a little home made card from my daughter.
Cut to- every other child is giving the birthday girl gifts and my daughter looks at me with the saddest face asking why she didn’t have a gift to give her.
I tried to explain “well, it’s not about gifts, and you have this lovely card, and her mom specifically said not to bring gifts anyway…” but being four, it was all over her head.
I agree with you. It always makes me feel like the people who invited me want to feel special or like, above material possessions or something. Yes, gifts create some clutter, but I’d rather sort through a bit of clutter than presume to tell someone that they are not allowed to bring a gift and make them feel weird. Plus, part of a child’s party is watching the little sweetie open a pile of gifts. I want their child to have that.
“part of a child’s party is watching the little sweetie open a pile of gifts. I want their child to have that.”
It really isn’t your place to force your parenting style or idea of what a party should be on another parent or child. Why would you assume such negative things about someone who tells you “we love you so much and we’re happy you’re coming that we want to spend the whole time doing things together and don’t want to do the gifts thing”?
I’m rolling my eyes here. Looks like you’re the “snowflake” rather than the child of parents requesting no gifts because they know some of their child’s friends can’t afford gifts and they want to make it about the party not the gifts. The term snowflake itself is very bigoted so you might want to re-consider the “etiquette” of your own rant.
If people bring gifts when asked not to? Easy – tuck them away and have your child open them privately after the party. No one who didn’t bring a gift has to stand there and watch the person who was rude and ignored the host’s requests get honoured.
“Scale down the birthday party to make gifts manageable. Want fewer presents? Invite fewer friends.” aka -exclude people instead of excluding gifts because people are more important? I’m confused by your point here. ” Remember, their presence is the real present,” but you just suggested people un-invite people important to them….
” If you have a “no gifts” party and someone is gauche enough to bring a gift anyway, you have to be nice about it. ” Um, no? If someone is rude to you you don’t “have” to be nice in return. It’s lovely to be nice in the face of rudeness, but you aren’t obligated.”I ended up apologizing for bringing a present.” Good, you should apologize for ignoring your host’s specific request. It’s totally normal to feel uncomfortable for blatantly ignoring a clear and specific request.
I think you might need to re-assess your own attitude. Remember, the people are the present not the items they bring with them and that’s what “no gift” parties are about. They’re about celebrating the people not materialism, and being inclusive of everyone even if they aren’t financially able to bring a plastic toy for your child.
Couldn’t agree more with you Ela.
If you want a host no-gift party then don’t call it a “birthday party”. Guests can be given cake and ice cream and billow our candles when you tell them AFTER they arrive. But in the invitation, just say “party” or gathering. Or a sleepover. Or an activity for crying out loud – something that either completely distracts from the gift norm or forces the other parent to ask. At which point you can say no gifts. and be serious and firm about your response, not wish washy!
My daughter was invited to a no gift birthday party and I was rather angered when we arrived gift-less to find that every other kid brought a gift.
Every. Other. One.
What?!?
The host mom had really good intentions. I asked one of the other moms about the gift and she said – not kidding – “it’s a birthday party, of course you bring a gift; the hostess was just trying to be polite with that no gift thing”.
I was embarrassed, my CHILD was embarrassed (that’s is the worst part!). The whole thing made what was supposed to be a gathering of friends to love and appreciate the birthday girl an awkward weekend.
We are very close with the hostess and birthday girl so we came around again with special attention and appreciation later on. I really didn’t blame the hostess mom for the snafu, again, I think she had good intentions. People, however, do not respond well to this no-gift idea.
You’re missing the middle ground, and an opportunity to teach your kids about basic etiquette in the way of a host/hostess gift. When attending a “no gifts party,” you should still bring something, on a smaller scale, to express appreciation for the host/person of honor. A card with a small giftcard tucked inside, a favorite candy, a helium balloon weighted down with a fun pack of markers or bucket of sidewalk chalk, etc. A small token that doesn’t have you arriving empty-handed if others bring gifts, not large enough to make those who didn’t bring anything feel bad, but also doesn’t leave you expressly ignoring the host’s wishes. Why is this hard??
i have thrown parties with no gifts but def a small token (card or balloon) is very appropriate.
What’s rude is ignoring someone’s wishes. If you appreciate them throwing a party so much, so it by respecting them. They’re just asking you NOT to spend money… is it that hard?
Ewww this sounds awful to me. You sound rude. I have never taken it that way when I receive a “no gifts” invitation. Consumerism is out of control. It’s nice to know your child was invited just for a fun day with their friends.
This article is rude. If people don’t want gifts, respect their wishes. It doesn’t mean you can’t have gifts at your party if you want them.
I agree with this article. I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Yes, asking for no gifts sounds very rude to me as well. I agree with the elitism part. I can see a lot of people in this post claim they are not being elitist when saying no gifts, but their very responses and reasons sound elitist exactly. Most people have good intentions. Demanding that people not bring a gift is the same as demanding that people bring one. In the end, you are just making demands and opening the door to being rude to people who didn’t obey your demands.