I’m a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and a baby. Recently, the baby hit a milestone I’d been dreading for months: the crossover from Will Sleep Anytime/Anywhere to Must Be In Crib at Nap Time OR ELSE.
Up until this point, the three of us had been happily skipping all over town during the day. We went to story hours, hung out at the library, participated in classes, swung by the gym, and ran errands. The toddler stayed entertained (aka generally well-behaved), the little one snoozed in his car seat, and I felt like Kate Winslet at the bow of the Titanic.
But then everything changed.
I’m one of those Type A busybody freaks, so I was always determined to be a mom who “did things” with her kids. Sure, it was nice for them, but also, I figured I’d need it to keep myself sane.
I told myself I would not let the crippling logistics of it all drag me down. I’d patiently pack diaper bags, fold strollers into trunks, strap kids into car seats, run back in for forgotten things, pull out of the driveway, pull back in to grab other forgotten things, scream-sing songs in the car to distract impatient kids, find parking spots, unload kids, battle weather conditions, distribute emergency snacks, pay entry fees, fill out release forms, nurse in public…all in the name of FAMILY FUN.
And, of course, I would never let rigid kid schedules dictate our lives.
But the Nap Problem really derailed me.
It turns out that all of the patience and good intentions in the world just can’t keep a baby from screaming his head off if he’d like to be sleeping in his crib (on his tummy, thank you very much) but instead finds himself strapped into his car seat on some dumb mommy/toddler adventure.
I tried to fight it at first. We’d go anyway, and I’d just pray for miracles. The baby would sometimes fall asleep in his car seat on the way, but somehow, the second I turned the car off, those big, round eyes would fly open—and stay open.
And then I’d pay for it, either with a mid-trip fussy baby or a post-trip overtired baby (I’m not sure which is worse). By the time we got home, I’d be overtired and fussy myself, and I’d think the most dreaded post-outing thought: “That wasn’t even worth it.”
And so, we are home now. Much more than before. Much more than I’d like to be.
I mean, yes, I’m a stay-at-home mom. My job is to stay at home. Boo-hoo that I have to actually do that, right?
What pains me about it is that I know I’m not the only mom in this position. I know we’re all trapped in our separate houses, with our happily sleeping babies and unhappily bouncing-off-the-walls toddlers. If only we all lived in a giant commune where we could just put our babies to bed (in their own beds) and then rendezvous in the middle to have adult conversations while our toddlers entertained each other. Right?
(Can that be a thing without it being weird? Maybe I’m just living in the wrong culture. Or the wrong century. Or both.)
And, of course, I feel bad for my toddler. He hasn’t been to the dance class I signed him up for (6 months ago, when life was different) in weeks, because the timing is just too tricky with his little brother’s naps.
It’s not that I’m anal about adhering to kids’ schedules to the minute. (Believe me!) If I thought my little one could get by on a short nap or a late nap or a skipped nap, I’d be all over it. But experience has shown that, in most cases, that doesn’t work for him. And disregarding his needs just doesn’t seem fair to him.
So for right now, the Nap is the boss.
I know that this will be even harder in the summer—I’m nervous about that. But I also know that, at some point, things will change. The baby will be less reliant on his morning nap, and then he’ll drop it altogether. (Funny how the loss of a nap feels like a win!)
Until then, my coping strategies are:
- Do the best we can with the nap-free windows we have. The time crunch requires even more planning than usual, but if I watch the clock, we can still make outings work.
- Dig deeper than ever into my creativity bucket. My toddler isn’t big on Pinterest projects, but if I put my back into it, we can kill a whole hour with a couple cars and a flat surface. (Ok, half an hour. Ok, 15 minutes. Ok, 10.)
- Don’t stress about the extra screen time the toddler gets when my creativity runs out. My sanity is still important.
- Hold my breath and hold on. As with any stage, I know that this one, too, shall pass.
Can any other mamas out there relate?
How do you handle the nap trap?
I would totally join your SAHM commune thing! I’m expecting my second kid in just over a month, and I’m already nervous about keeping my toddler entertained at home. When did your baby start needing to be home for naps? I totally forgot when that happened with my first.
It happened around 6 months for us. Congrats on #2! 🙂
When does it stop?! My 18month old won’t sleep anywhere except her cot and still needs two hours at lunch which annoyingly eats into the day. Expecting #2 lin 5 months! (Thanks for the post – so glad I’m not the only one!)
My toddler is 3 yrs old, and still does a mid-day nap that lasts THREE hours! I use that quiet time to catch up on bills, cook something (in peace), or just lay down and watch some TV shows (in peace). Whenever we skip the midday nap, we have an extremely cranky toddler the rest of the evening. Not worth it to me!
I can relate! I went through this too. We were also always the people who had to say no to evening events or leave early due to needing to be home for bed. I’d see parents out late with kids in tow, babies AND toddlers somehow sleeping soundly, and be very jealous. For me the well-rested baby won out over the outing with cranky baby aftermath. As you said, this too shall pass. (If this commune comes to pass…I’m in!)
Haha! The commune… 🙂
I dealt with this with my first two. I hated being home bound, it got worse when my 2 year old still napped and my almost 5 year was getting bored out of his mind. Then this glorious thing happened, school pickup. My 3rd baby doesn’t have the option to sleep in her crib for nap time because preschool pickup is during morning nap and kindergarten pickup is during afternoon nap. She has had to learn to sleep where she can. Guess that’s the life of being the youngest. By the time she’s a toddler I don’t think I’ll stick to a nap schedule either, we’ll just do early bedtime.
Nice!! I guess things change when you have no choice & you just have to be somewhere. Right now, if I drag them both out and things don’t go well, I just end up feeling guilty because we didn’t technically HAVE to go. But maybe this is all a 2-kid problem that disappears automatically with #3! 🙂 (If so, hooray!)
As a mom of four girls, I guess I’ve forgotten long ago what it means to have freedom to just go out and do things whenever I want. I love naptime. I look forward to naptime. I pray for naptime! Just for a little break in the madness. So I can actually get a cleaning project done, or sit down for 30 minutes without being interrupted.
Being a SAHM is exhausting. No way around that fact. I feel like a shut-in over winter in WI! Thank goodness for Spring! The good news is that as our children grow, the opportunities to get out of the house again and not always be chained to naptime, increase. It happens, I promise!
I can’t wait for that! 🙂 Although it’ll mean I won’t have babies anymore, so I’m sure I’ll be mourning that at the same time…
Don’t get me wrong: I love naptime. LOVE. I just like it more when both kids are napping, vs. just one! 🙂
Babywearing will save your life. Babies and even toddlers love to fall asleep cuddled into their mothers, and your hands free and mobile. I constantly wear my baby and play with my older daughter at the playground, go to the grocery store, the zoo and all that goodness. Plus no flat head from being in a car seat all the time. Go search for a local Babywearing community, they often have lending libraries and can lend you a woven wrap and teach you how to use it.
When my 2nd came along I strapped him to my chest and headed out with my 20 month in tow. It was exhausting and sweaty and at times I felt so overwhelmed with all the physical contact. In hindsight however, it made my incredibly hectic life a little bit easier. A well rested baby and two free hands made all the difference.
I couldnt have agreed more. Babywearing at 17 months has been so worth it despite the sweatiness and such. This is a wonderful post! I can totally relate as a working mom who gets stir crazy on the days I am home!
You are a beautiful and fun writer with a down-to-earth realism that I value! Thank you for posting this article as couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t leave the house with 3 children under the age of 5 (baby still takes am/pm naps at home ONLY). The time frame is so short that it is a whirlwind if I do but this long winter made for a test of my sanity. Sometimes the simplicity of validation other parents are in similar situations makes all the difference. Appreciate your article beyond words as don’t feel like I don’t have my act together…well for the time being:)
Yes! It’s making my husband understand that the Nap wins that is even more difficult for me. Love the commune idea! Number two is due in September, and I will definitely be doing the baby wearing. Here’s hoping!
I think this is a great opportunity for you guys to get some down time. All children need to rest, and slow down a bit. We used nap time as a way to divide the day – and take some deep breaths. Once you start planning around it, it’s actually a wonderful time for everyone.
As a family sleep consultant, I work with many families (and have one myself!) that sometimes feel homebound by the nap. What I say to them is that 1) this isn’t going to last forever and 2) an overall well-rested baby, one who follows a schedule 80% of the time, is actually much more flexible to go out and about and handle deviations to the schedule the other 20% of the time—without meltdown. So if five days a week you are able to make naps at home a priority, you should feel confident knowing that the other couple of days you can be a little flexible.
Thank you for this comment—I have a 20 month old and 7 month old—and naps are back to back, but never together currently. I’ve been afraid to mess it all up, but I might just steal away for a morning playtime and see if we all survive ????
How do I get my 3 month old to ever take a nap NOT on me?!