Let me just start this off by saying I’m no marriage expert. In fact I’m the opposite as I completely failed at my first marriage and was probably an awful wife. Because you know you go into it planning this beautiful wedding and dreaming about what a perfect life you will have. And then real life sets in and it’s nothing like what you were expecting, and then you have this gap to fill between what you thought it would be like and what it actually is. In that gap grows resentment, anger, fear and all sorts of other dark things.
Now, don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t trade my todays for my yesterdays but I did learn a few things along the way. That’s not to say that just because I learned them that I actually practice them because oh my gosh changing habits has got to be the hardest thing ever!
What I’m saying is I notice them now. I see things I didn’t see before. I know to let things go that I would have been all up in a tizzy about before because I’ve realized it doesn’t really matter. (I laugh because if my husband would read this he’d be wondering what I was ever letting go, but let me tell you I let so much go!)
I’m going to give you 5 things I figured out by failing at my first marriage and setting sail on a new one. This is nowhere near all of them and on most days I probably fail at these too. Marriage is hard, so hard.
1. It doesn’t really matter. You know all the stuff. The small petty annoyance that you or your spouse get all cranky about. It’s insignificant and you need to just let that go. Focus on what you do appreciate and love about them. If you focus on it you’ll get more of it.
2. Love them even when you don’t want to. Ok, so this is probably the hardest one to do. To love someone when your insides want to run and hide is so terribly hard but I’ve found the hardest ones to do are by far the most important. When you are feeling hurt or wronged or whatever giving that other person grace and love is the opposite of what feels natural. Naturally you want to give back just what you are feeling but that doesn’t solve anything and only furthers the hurt.
3. Love them so, so hard. (Isn’t this what you just said your saying? No, loving them when you don’t want to because of hurt feelings is very different than showing them love each and every day.) Love on them. Love on them in the way that they need love. If you haven’t read the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman I highly recommend it. You will learn just how your partner feels love and that way when you are showing love they will feel it. You can’t go wrong loving them and the more you love them the better they feel and hello a loved partner means you’ll be getting back that same love!
4. Put your marriage first. We are mamas and we are heavy in the mom game right now. Top that with work, committees, volunteering, cooking, carpooling, the list literally could fill this whole page, our lives are overloaded and it is so easy to put your marriage right next to yourself in dead last. It ends up being more of a business than a loving marriage, and after not too long of living that way it becomes comfortable. Once that comfort kicks in it is incredibly challenging to crawl back out of that. You start seeing your spouse as your co-parent and not your super sexy other half. Keep the sex in there ladies, baby steps, or as I say to my people, ‘just do it’! Like anything you once did (athletics, exercise, healthy eating, work, etc) it will come back to you. Of course it will be all fumbly and awkward at first but hang in there you’ll get your hot spark back!
5. Accept it will not always be easy and fun. Ok, so maybe this one is the hardest. Marriage has a natural ebb and flow just as the seasons change from cold and dark to warm and flourishing. You will be challenged. You will want to quit. You will want to run as far away as you possibly can and never, ever come back. This is normal. Totally normal. Think about every area of life this is exactly as it goes. Nothing is all rainbows and sunshine all the time. You have to go through the dark times to appreciate the beautiful times. Take a deep breath and hold on tight. Remember your why. Give yourself and your spouse grace and understanding. You will both change and grow and this is a good thing! Bad things will happen. You will be pushed and challenged in ways that you could never foresee. You will be blindsided and it will be up to you to remain steady. Call on your faith, family, friends whatever is needed for you to just hold steady and get by. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed. Keeping the faith and holding on.
