Having three children (1 girl, 2 boys) has taught me quite a bit along this 20 year parenting journey. The difference between our first born (girl) and our next one 21 months later (boy) boggled my mind just in terms of their gender.
For example, my daughter never tried to throw anything at my head when she was two years old (but that’s a topic for another blog post).
But the things I started to notice right away were traits that exhibited themselves through their birth order. And there seem to be pros and cons to whether you’re the oldest, the youngest, or the middle child. I am always curious about an only child, too, because they could be viewed as an oldest or a youngest, right?
I have no formal education on the study of birth order, but here’s some musings from my own field study.
The Firstborn
My eldest might argue that this is the worst place to fall in the birth order. I have apologized to her often that we had to learn how to parent with her and may have made some mistakes along the way.
BUT she is driven, responsible, competent, and always ready to take charge. These traits have served her well — especially in a work environment. She is independent (which we thought we wanted, but now that she is a young adult I do wish that sometimes she needed me a little more). Kid number 1 gets the new clothes, the new toys, and gets to be the first to do everything.
At my house, the firstborn has multiple baby books and every milestone was well-documented.
The downside of being my first child was I played the overprotective card far longer than I should have, worried about too many little things (which probably caused some undue stress for both of us), and had idealistic thoughts (that were definitely delusional at times) from bedtimes to curfews.
It’s hard to know in the first trip to the parenting rodeo what will work, what won’t scar them for life, and what is ok to allow/happen.
Advice: Mom and Dad, relax. You will make mistakes (and it’s ok). Once and awhile you can let the rules you’ve set in your over-anxious mind slide.
The Middle Child
[Disclaimer #1: My own middle child is not your traditional middle one, so much of my offerings here are learned from others. Disclaimer #2: If you know my middle child — I am not sure where he came from as he exhibits traditional traits of an oldest, a youngest, AND a middle.]
Middle children tend to be the peacemakers in the family, the one that rolls with the punches, and is easy to please. I have a good friend who is a middle child and married a middle child. She jokes in most situations they feel strongly about both sides of the argument.
But lucky middle child gets the benefit of mom and dad realizing that the child will probably be just fine if they drink soda or don’t start their nap exactly at the designated nap time.
I asked my middle child what is the best and worst thing about being the middle child. He said, “It’s nice to not have all the expectation of being responsible like the oldest child, but it’s great that you still have someone to boss around.” Then he followed up by reiterating that I be sure to include the part about being able to boss the youngest one around…proud mom moment, for sure.
The Baby
Ah! The youngest kiddo also has to take the good with the bad. The youngest child gets to go to a concert at an earlier age than the oldest, probably gets to stay up later, and has parents that are bit more relaxed (lucky them!). [Honestly, how are we supposed to stay up until his curfew?]
The other evening my oldest child was horrified when an inquiry arose as to where the youngest child was that evening. When I responded that he was at a friend’s house she was not happy to learn that I hadn’t called to confirm that parents were home, etc.
And my poor youngest child does have a baby book. It’s just not fully filled out (downside of being baby #3 in less than 5 years).
C’est la vie, n’est pas?
I realized that at some point they were going to be the decision makers on right versus wrong, and that it’s all right to loosen the reigns a bit at times.
One thing I am grateful for is that each of my children now has a special bond to their respective siblings; so while my husband and I definitely made mistakes, we are happy that these three truly love one another.
Birth order left to right, tallest to shortest right to left
circa August 2018
I still stand by much of my crazy neuroses, rules, structure, etc; but I am (sadly) older and (hopefully) wiser to realize that no matter where you fall in the birth of order of the family — each is amazingly wonderful and I am grateful to be their mama.
Very special people!!!