Picture this for a second…
You’re picking your child up from school or daycare, and you hear that the class celebrated a birthday that day. The birthday girl’s mom brought cupcakes, and everyone had one after lunch.
Well—everyone except your child.
Your child sat at the table with everyone else. He sang Happy Birthday with everyone else. But when the cupcakes arrived, he got pointedly skipped.
The teacher gave him the option to go entertain himself in the room, while the other kids had their treat. But he chose to stay with the class.
And so, he just…waited.
Imagine what it would be like to hear that story. Imagine what you would tell your child.
Can you picture it?
If you can’t, I totally understand. I probably wouldn’t be able to, either, if I didn’t experience it all the time.
You’d never know it by looking at my son—he looks and acts as healthy as the next 3-year-old—but he has serious food allergies. Dairy, wheat, eggs, peanuts, and tree nuts. His sensitivity measurements (found through blood testing) came back literally off the charts for all five.
Despite the seriousness of this, my husband and I try to act casual about it. If our son wants something he can’t have, we just shrug and say, “that’ll make you kinda sick. How about this instead?”
And we absolutely hate—hate—to inconvenience anyone with his allergies.
We hate having to drop him off in the church nursery with an alternative snack, burdening the caregivers with the extra responsibility of remembering that he can’t have the wheat crackers they serve. (Which we didn’t even know they served until after a very scary Epi-pen shot and a trip to the ER.)
We hate having to send replacement meals to school, so the cook has to worry about microwaving our son’s gluten-free/egg-free/dairy-free chicken nuggets on top of preparing meals for dozens of other kids.
We hate when we’re at friends’ houses and we have to ask if we can see the box for the fruit snacks they’re handing out. (I even catch myself pretending to just be interested in the brand—“oh, where’d you get these?”—while quickly and discreetly reading the ingredients label.)
And we hate that this is only going to get harder as he gets older. That, eventually, he’s going to have to know more than “some foods make me sick,” and we’re going to have to trust him to take care of himself.
For now, his world is pretty contained, and his run-ins with allergens are mostly predictable.
Except for the birthday treats.
Here’s the thing: I am more than happy to send an alternative treat to school for him on birthday party days (nothing new for us there). The problem is that I rarely ever know when birthday treats are going to happen.
So what’s the solution?
Do I have to send an annoying email to all the parents in my son’s class, begging them to let me know if they plan to send in a birthday treat for the class? The hate-to-inconvenience-people side of me cringes at the thought, picturing them rolling their eyes as they read it. “Great, we have an allergy kid in class this year.”
Do I run to the store after drop-off, upon finding out that it’s a birthday day, and hustle back to school with my son’s treat before party time?
Definitely—when I get lucky enough to find out. (Often, teachers don’t get advance warning either.)
I completely understand that most parents don’t think of this when they send treats to school. They are blessed with a freedom I desperately crave—the freedom to not think about food allergies on a daily basis. To see people with food allergies as separate, distant, unusual entities that have nothing to do with them.
It’s a freedom I always enjoyed, too, until three years ago.
So I get it.
What I don’t get is the resistance. Parents openly disregarding kids they know have food allergies. Parents feeling offended when school rules restrict them from sending treats, or require them to only send store-bought treats or peanut-free treats. (Yes, it’s frustrating, but what choice do school officials have?)
For some kids, this really is a life and death thing. At the very, very least, it’s an exclusion thing. (You wouldn’t rent a bounce house for the whole class if one student was in a wheelchair, right?)
So why the aggression against food allergies?
I know the treats-at-school thing is something a lot of us enjoyed as kids. We have a fuzzy, nostalgic place for it in our hearts.
But like it or not, our kids’ world is different than ours was (in more ways than one). These days, allergies are rampant, and we have no idea why.
Our job as parents is to teach our kids to thrive in the world they live in. This means being respectful of the people they share that world with, and recognizing the way their choices impact those around them.
To be fair, my son doesn’t really care about cupcakes. If he’s excluded from a birthday treat, he’s mostly just confused, not hurt or disappointed or scarred for life.
This is more for me, as his mom.
We moms hate to see our kids get excluded from things for reasons completely out of their control. We just can’t help it.
Birthdays are still special, and they can definitely still be celebrated in the classroom. All I’m asking for, as a food allergy mom, is consideration.
You might not know of any food allergy kids in your child’s class, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any (like I said, we try to keep it casual).
Bottom line: it would be very thoughtful if parents did the following before sending treats to school:
- Give your child’s teacher a heads up when you plan to send in a treat, and let them know what it will be. They will likely pass the message along to any food allergy families. (If you want to be even more awesome: ask your child’s teacher if there are any kids with allergies in class, and if there are, volunteer to contact the parents directly to let them know about the treats.)
- Be respectful of kids with food allergies (and their parents, who likely struggle even more), especially when talking about them in front of your own kids. I’m baffled by parents who openly express how much someone else’s allergies inconvenience their life.
Believe me when I say that no one—NO ONE—hates dealing with food allergies more than food allergy parents.
We are so grateful for any opportunity to help our kids feel more “normal,” and so grateful for parents who raise their kids to see and respect the people they share their world with.
Here’s to happy (& safe) birthdays this year!
As the mom of a one-year-old with serious food allergies, I can see that this is likely going to be in my future.
I do want to share one strategy that seemed to work in my classroom a few years ago. The dad of a student with severe food allergies brought a bag with several small bags of treats (like skittles) that were safe for his son to eat, and I just kept them under my desk. Any time a student brought in a treat, I simply handed that student one of the alternative treats. I realize it doesn’t speak to your point about sensitivity from others, but it at least addresses the immediate concern of a child feeling left out. 🙂
I was thinking that same thing. Find a treat he can have that has a shelf life and leave it with the teachers for him to have on birthday days.
I really should do that. Thanks for the suggestion! I get so caught up in trying to provide similar alternatives (like a cupcake for a cupcake), since it’s what I try to do with his meals, but he probably couldn’t care less, ha! Thanks for sharing, and I’m sorry to hear about your little one’s allergies…I can’t wait until we solve this mystery and figure out how to get rid of them! (Crossing my fingers it’s possible!)
Yes, We’ve got a little spot on the shelf at Grandma’s for allergy free snacks for my daughter. I’m sure you’ve heard of the Enjoy Life brand but if you haven’t tried their soft baked cookies, I recommend them. They’re the closest thing I’ve found to “real” cookies that my kiddo can eat! And there’s a generic of them at Aldi! (The Live G-Free label) They’ll keep for a while if you put them in a zip-lock after opening the package.
Yes, this is what we do. My son and youngest daughter both have dairy allergies. My son’s teacher at school, and my daughter’s daycare teacher both keep a stash of goodies that I brought in for those occasions. They were more than willing to help.
Karen’s suggestion is EXACTLY what I was going to say. It worked great for my kids, who are now in 7th and 10th grade. Make it something special that he doesn’t get to eat very often. In some ways, I think it actually got easier as they got older, in that they know how eating certain things make them feel, they are able to understand the life-threatening nature of some of their allergies, and they have developed awareness and empowerment skills about the food they eat. Good luck!
As a child care director for many years, these experiences and situations are hard to control as we are pulled to inform parents, try to get cooperation as to the treat parameters and insure that the child with allergies is offered a sweet treat as well. We keep a stock of Popsicles and push-ups that meet the needs of our current children with food allergies for such occasions, however are having a parent meeting next month where I will bring up the idea of bypassing the “treat” all together, and we will provide the child and his/her class with a small wrapped gift- farm animal, dump truck, doll bottle etc for the classroom. After the singing, the child will open a gift and the children will go on with their day.
Allergies are tough with birthday greats, but so are the rest of the content. We work extremely hard to insure that parents are informed if what their children are consuming throughout the day and what products are organic/locally grown vs canned etc. they make a conscious decision daily about any substitutions they may want to provide in regard to sugary or processed foods etc. when we do not have advanced notice in regard to treats from home, not only is the infrediant list sometimes a mystery, we are put in a hard place between maintaining the parents nutrition guidelines and the childrens desires.
Good luck, it sounds like you are working as hard as you can to make your son feel included and keeping caregivers informed- not an easy job!
My daughter is 10 with multiple food allergies and I agree with almost everything you wrote and understand your frustration but I don’t feel it’s up to other parents to contact “us” about our kids food allergies. It annoys me that our school has now banned home baked goods in classrooms if a child has an allergy in that class. Well actually it seems our school only cares about nut allergies which is ridiculous! I never had a problem with other kids bringing in a special treat for their birthdays. I want to be able to do the same for my daughter and send in nut free, egg free and dairy free cupcakes or brownies. I agree with other comments and would give the teacher special treats for your son so he doesn’t feel left out. I did that for my daughter when she was younger and it seemed to work out great. I think she got sick of oreos though.
Severe food allergies run in my family. I remember being terrified as a child that my dad would die of an allergic reaction, and unfortunately I also have many food allergies that strongly limit what I can eat. From the perspective of someone who grew up this way (and at a time before most people were even aware of how dangerous food allergies can be), I have to say this article kind of bothered me. It is very sweet that this mom doesn’t want her son to feel left out, it just shows how much she loves him, but I would have been mortified as a kid if my parents had considered doing something like sending “an annoying email to all the parents in my son’s class”. The mom in the article claims she doesn’t want to be inconvenience other parents, but that is actually exactly what she’s asking.
So much of social life revolves around eating, and I am used to being the only one watching while everyone else is enjoying a special meal. But I can still take pleasure in being part of an experience and watch others eat even when I can’t participate. That’s life, we all have our limitations, and I feel that learning to be comfortable with my allergies was a bigger life lesson for me than making others feel bad for enjoying a treat on their birthday (seriously, it’s their birthday!). This point obviously applies only as long as your son’s allergies are not severe enough that he can’t be in the same room as the food he is allergic to – of course in that case, your child should be accommodated in every way possible.
Obviously I won’t go hungry, I always make sure I have food with me I am able to eat. But I am not bothered by not being able to eat the same things or at the same time as everyone else, because that’s part of my life and I don’t really know any different. I can still have a great time. I went apple picking with my daughter and friends this weekend and loved it, even though I can’t eat apples and can barely touch them without breaking into a rash. There was absolutely nothing at that farm I could eat, but it didn’t matter. The worst part of the article to me is the mom’s struggle to “help our kids feel more ‘normal'”. I ALWAYS feel normal (again, I don’t know any differently). It sounds like this mom isn’t completely comfortable with her son’s food allergies yet. In my case, it helped that allergies were already so common in my family when I was born. It may sound surprising, but I hardly even remember it being a topic of conversation growing up, except for the (luckily few) completely terrifying times when somebody had a severe allergic reaction. It was simply normal for me that we ate different things. I am really grateful in retrospect that my parents did not make me feel like my allergies were a big deal. I know these things are difficult to communicate to a small child, but your son is going to have to deal with this for the rest of his life and focusing on coping strategies like the ones mentioned in the other comments will be more useful for him in the future than making a big deal out of birthday treats.
Hi Emily! Thanks for sharing your perspective! It sounds like your parents did a great job minimizing your allergies so you could grow up feeling normal (which of course, you are!) – that’s exactly how I hope my son will feel when he’s older, too! I hope he never knows how much effort and worry I put in behind the scenes to make it all look seamless from his perspective.
And don’t worry – I would never actually email his class. 🙂 Because of the exact reason you mentioned – not wanting to inconvenience anyone. But sometimes school policies do it for us, so we end up feeling bad anyway, even if we didn’t make a peep, ya know?
Thanks again for your comment! It sounds like you’re doing super well with your allergies, which is encouraging to hear!
I was thinking the same thing. I’m now ~38 & have had multiple food allergies/asthma my whole life. And it was never made to be a big deal. It didn’t bother me that I couldn’t eat things that people brought in. Because the alternative was me getting very, very ill. The other issue I have with the world “catering” to kids with food allergies is that kids don’t learn to be careful. I knew I couldn’t eat things. Potlucks are still russian roulette. I do not expect anyone else to look out for me & I do not eat things if I can’t read a label or talk to the person who made it directly. I think that parents of kids with food allergies & parents of kids with metabolic disorders would do well to help empower their children to be their own advocates & to be cautious. I had a couple of teachers who had some candy that I could have if I wanted & couldn’t have whatever treat was brought in. Sometimes this was nice, other times it felt weird to have special attention vs just saying no thank you. I was more bothered by the fact that I had a summer birthday & it not getting celebrated like the rest of the kids than I was with not being able to eat the same things as the other kids! 🙂
Your child is precious! Thank you for sharing.
As a mom of a 13 year old son with multiple food allergies I can relate to this article. Children have food allergies, celiac disease, lactose intolerance, diabetes, and diet restrictions due to Autism and other medical conditions. Some children’s families can’t afford the treats and have requested the school to provide the treat. On the average treats were provided 1-2 times a week for birthdays and “star of the week” in my son’s classroom.
I volunteered at a Valentine’s party for 8 year olds. Red juice and pink and red frosting on cookies and cupcakes was served. I brought some allergy friendly unfrosted muffins for my son. I arrived late and slipped quietly into the party and gave him his muffin. As I stood to the side one by one a child came to me and asked me for a muffin ( I had six extra). They told me the food was too sweet and wanted the muffin. The other parents did not know what to say. They kids did not want the juice and went to the drinking fountain for water. I had one child whisper in my ear he could not have the red juice because red dye gave him diarrhea.
The sweet treats were not finished and were thrown away. The kids just wanted to get together and have some free time. They have so little free time these days. Two of our schools in our district no longer have any treats. The reasoning was for all the above and to
reduce the amount of sugar in the children’s diet.
I think making an effort to reduce the amount of times food is used at school for social events is a good idea. Yes, I did have special treats at school for my son to have and worked with other parents to bring in allergy friendly substitute food for projects. But as a whole I think reducing the amount of events with food is best for the elementary school. Hope this gives a perspective as to what children with diet restrictions must deal with in social settings.
Wow, I am surprised to read people defending the need for families to be able to send sweets to school even when kids are left out…. If you’re going to defend the importance of sharing a meal, at least share something that is healthy for our little ones, fresh fruit and vegetables? I’m not convinced food has to be the indicator of a celebration. How many of you remember the cupcakes you ate during fellow first graders’ birthday parties? Or do you remember the favorite games you played or crafts you created? Megan, your idea to replace the treats with small gifts is fantastic. If parents want to send something so that their children feel special on their birthdays, why not send materials for a fun game or art project? It’s more meaningful and memorable than a cupcake. Sweets for every kid’s celebration adds up and creates constant sugar high and crash. Plus, the cupcake birthday celebration is defended based on habit and tradition, rather than it being a truly substantive activity worth fighting for. The onslaught of sugary treats is harmful and not worth the fight. Please read: http://www.parents.com/blogs/food-scoop/2014/08/21/diet/why-schools-wont-stop-giving-our-kids-sugar/ and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/23719144/
My daughter has allergies to dairy and peanuts and I can totally relate to your article. When she began attending school at 2 1/2 I used to try my best to have matching food substitutes for her also, but it was not always possible. I finally started providing her teachers with special treats that they could keep at school for special occasions. (Just as some others have suggested). That totally saved my sanity and last minute runs to stores. She is 5 now and I have to say it has gotten better because she knows to always check food before eating. Her school has ice cream days and they keep her “ice cream” in the school freezer so she can also enjoy a treat. While I appreciate and am very grateful to parents that try to accommodate and include my child, I get that we are all busy, sometimes we forget, last minute things happen, etc. Ultimately, I try my best to just provide what she needs. Navigating food allergies is hard at times, but I do think most parents I have encountered have been helpful. You are doing a great job and your son has a great advocate on his side!
My daughters have food allergies to tree nuts & sesame, which we discovered after the perilous “cashew incident of 2010” and the “hummus emergency of 2013.” First, I don’t remember everyone’s parents bringing treats for the class for a birthday when I was little. It seems to be one more thing to try to separate parents that can afford it and have time to remember it from the others. It annoys me. I wish schools would just have a policy – no outside treats. Let them sing to the kid or wear a special hat, or get to do something special for the day. Because one can only fight the power so much, I just give the teachers a box of Little Debbies or something similar for such days. My 7-year-old’s teacher this year gives her two of our treats while the other kids get one. She loves that. Also, after 3 years, several parents now will either certify to the teacher that their treats have no nuts, or they bring something special for my daughter. One mom told me that her son has taught the whole family that they have to wash their hands after eating Nutella because “we might accidentally forget and touch Lucy, who could get really sick.” If schools and teachers do it right, this is an opportunity for teaching empathy and compassion.