Picture this for a second…
You’re picking your child up from school or daycare, and you hear that the class celebrated a birthday that day. The birthday girl’s mom brought cupcakes, and everyone had one after lunch.
Well—everyone except your child.
Your child sat at the table with everyone else. He sang Happy Birthday with everyone else. But when the cupcakes arrived, he got pointedly skipped.
The teacher gave him the option to go entertain himself in the room, while the other kids had their treat. But he chose to stay with the class.
And so, he just…waited.
Imagine what it would be like to hear that story. Imagine what you would tell your child.
Can you picture it?
If you can’t, I totally understand. I probably wouldn’t be able to, either, if I didn’t experience it all the time.
You’d never know it by looking at my son—he looks and acts as healthy as the next 3-year-old—but he has serious food allergies. Dairy, wheat, eggs, peanuts, and tree nuts. His sensitivity measurements (found through blood testing) came back literally off the charts for all five.
Despite the seriousness of this, my husband and I try to act casual about it. If our son wants something he can’t have, we just shrug and say, “that’ll make you kinda sick. How about this instead?”
And we absolutely hate—hate—to inconvenience anyone with his allergies.
We hate having to drop him off in the church nursery with an alternative snack, burdening the caregivers with the extra responsibility of remembering that he can’t have the wheat crackers they serve. (Which we didn’t even know they served until after a very scary Epi-pen shot and a trip to the ER.)
We hate having to send replacement meals to school, so the cook has to worry about microwaving our son’s gluten-free/egg-free/dairy-free chicken nuggets on top of preparing meals for dozens of other kids.
We hate when we’re at friends’ houses and we have to ask if we can see the box for the fruit snacks they’re handing out. (I even catch myself pretending to just be interested in the brand—“oh, where’d you get these?”—while quickly and discreetly reading the ingredients label.)
And we hate that this is only going to get harder as he gets older. That, eventually, he’s going to have to know more than “some foods make me sick,” and we’re going to have to trust him to take care of himself.
For now, his world is pretty contained, and his run-ins with allergens are mostly predictable.
Except for the birthday treats.
Here’s the thing: I am more than happy to send an alternative treat to school for him on birthday party days (nothing new for us there). The problem is that I rarely ever know when birthday treats are going to happen.
So what’s the solution?
Do I have to send an annoying email to all the parents in my son’s class, begging them to let me know if they plan to send in a birthday treat for the class? The hate-to-inconvenience-people side of me cringes at the thought, picturing them rolling their eyes as they read it. “Great, we have an allergy kid in class this year.”
Do I run to the store after drop-off, upon finding out that it’s a birthday day, and hustle back to school with my son’s treat before party time?
Definitely—when I get lucky enough to find out. (Often, teachers don’t get advance warning either.)
I completely understand that most parents don’t think of this when they send treats to school. They are blessed with a freedom I desperately crave—the freedom to not think about food allergies on a daily basis. To see people with food allergies as separate, distant, unusual entities that have nothing to do with them.
It’s a freedom I always enjoyed, too, until three years ago.
So I get it.
What I don’t get is the resistance. Parents openly disregarding kids they know have food allergies. Parents feeling offended when school rules restrict them from sending treats, or require them to only send store-bought treats or peanut-free treats. (Yes, it’s frustrating, but what choice do school officials have?)
For some kids, this really is a life and death thing. At the very, very least, it’s an exclusion thing. (You wouldn’t rent a bounce house for the whole class if one student was in a wheelchair, right?)
So why the aggression against food allergies?
I know the treats-at-school thing is something a lot of us enjoyed as kids. We have a fuzzy, nostalgic place for it in our hearts.
But like it or not, our kids’ world is different than ours was (in more ways than one). These days, allergies are rampant, and we have no idea why.
Our job as parents is to teach our kids to thrive in the world they live in. This means being respectful of the people they share that world with, and recognizing the way their choices impact those around them.
To be fair, my son doesn’t really care about cupcakes. If he’s excluded from a birthday treat, he’s mostly just confused, not hurt or disappointed or scarred for life.
This is more for me, as his mom.
We moms hate to see our kids get excluded from things for reasons completely out of their control. We just can’t help it.
Birthdays are still special, and they can definitely still be celebrated in the classroom. All I’m asking for, as a food allergy mom, is consideration.
You might not know of any food allergy kids in your child’s class, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any (like I said, we try to keep it casual).
Bottom line: it would be very thoughtful if parents did the following before sending treats to school:
- Give your child’s teacher a heads up when you plan to send in a treat, and let them know what it will be. They will likely pass the message along to any food allergy families. (If you want to be even more awesome: ask your child’s teacher if there are any kids with allergies in class, and if there are, volunteer to contact the parents directly to let them know about the treats.)
- Be respectful of kids with food allergies (and their parents, who likely struggle even more), especially when talking about them in front of your own kids. I’m baffled by parents who openly express how much someone else’s allergies inconvenience their life.
Believe me when I say that no one—NO ONE—hates dealing with food allergies more than food allergy parents.
We are so grateful for any opportunity to help our kids feel more “normal,” and so grateful for parents who raise their kids to see and respect the people they share their world with.
Here’s to happy (& safe) birthdays this year!
I would suggest that you meet with your school’s director or principal. Many parents are respectful, but as you note, many or not. It’s up to the school to put rules in place. Our school had a policy allowing a birthday child to bring in a treat, but the day was specified at the beginning of the year by the teacher, so notification could go in advance to parents of children with allergies. That allowed them to send in a treat so their child was not left out. Now, the school has (and I’m glad) banned parents from bringing birthday treats. Instead at lunch, the birthday child is recogniized and can get a birthday treat from the school cafeteria (just the birthday child). I would imagine the parents of children with food allergies send in an appropriate treat.
I am a Kindergarten teacher — I get this. Maybe you will find this helpful. I had a student with several food allergies. His mom and I came up with the idea of sending 5 cupcakes at a time, his name was on the container and in the freezer. There was even a type of frosting he could eat, so we wrote his name and stuck it in the freezer. When we had a birthday I would (while wearing gloves so I didn’t expose him) thaw out a cupcake and frosting. They weren’t just for birthdays — any time we had a class celebration he had one of his cupcakes! When we got down to one I let his mom know and she sent more! It was wonderful! I didn’t have to stress about letting her know of when we were having a party (especially when a lot of parents just show up)! He always had a special treat that we didn’t have to question and he was never excluded! Plus, it also took that worry from the other parents who weren’t comfortable meeting the allergy standard.
Hope to this helps!
My so has a milk protein allergy so I understand the extra work, however I don’t believe it is up to other parents to make accommodations. It is up to me to tell people about my sons allergy not up to them to ask.
We have a class FB page at my sons school so allot of that type of communication is done via that. Makes things easier on everyone.
As a parent of a student in 4k this year and growing up with a parent who was a teacher, I try to think of the needs of other families and children. My daughter recently brought in a birthday treat. I emailed the teacher with 2 dates that could work to bring in a treat, I did this 5 days before the first date. I also asked if there where any dietary needs and allergies in the classroom, the teacher replied no but I recall at the beginning of the year getting notification that a student in my child’s class was allergic to play dough. I emailed the t again and asked if banana bread could be eaten by all students in the class and she replied yes. I know my parent who was a teacher, would ask parents of kids with allergies to send in a list of approved treats and would ask those parents to send in 2-3 special treats for those kids so if a surprise treat came up my mom had something ok for that kid to eat. Hope this helps and have a wonderful day:)
Ugh. I hate this struggle for parents! Our kids do not have food allergies but they have been sureounded all their young lives by friends w them. At first, I admit, I was an annoyed parent of a 2 yr old child who was a picky eater and ONLY wanted peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. That preschool year was challenging food wise. The next year, there was a mom who made allergy mommas look crazy. She was rude to all the parents, grabbed snacks out of our hands to read labels and if we accidently brought something in that had an allergen for her son, she would confinscate it and then proceed to shame us. I should insert here that our preschool did a wonderful job with food allergies by the next year we had an approved snack list!!!
But as all this was going on I tried to put myself in her shoes. To understand. Once I researched kid allergies and understood the prevalence of allergens in our foods, my heart softened I began to see WHY this was so scary. I have my own food and air allergies. So why I couldnt be more understanding at first, well, I suppose it was just annoyance at being inconvenienced bc let’s face it-we are all tired mommas just trying to do our best. But I am so grateful to see this side more clearly. To help when I can. To protect these kids as well. My prayer is for those that had a hard heart to this challenge, that it softens.
As a mom of a new 4K-er, we have to send snack for the class once a month and have the option to send a birthday treat on their special day. We have a recommend list of snacks but can really do anything, as long as it’s moderately healthy (unless it’s a birthday). After a few weeks B (my daughter) told me that one little boy always has a granola bar because he had allergies. So I try to send fruit or veggies on our daughter’s day since many packaged snacks have gluten, wheat, dairy, etc. I honestly don’t know what this little guy’s allergies are. From the prospective of a mom with a kiddos who doesn’t have allergies, I would be so nice to be able to include him. If the teacher could send an email stating that there is a kiddos with an allergy in the class and he has specific dietary restrictions and if a parent we would like to send a treat for that child and give us a list of things the student can have if we choose that would be amazing. I would love to be able to include him and make sure he can be included as often as possible.
My son’s school took their wellness policy a step further this year and said treats MUST be on the list, and they are super healthy, OR students can choose from a list of activities. My son chose an extra recess. Another child requested using the gym class snow shoes and the teachers were able to get the class out in those last week.
On a side note my son has a friend with many allergies, but I know he can have Skinny pop. He was very appreciative when I sent that for a party for everyone.
Honestly if you want other parents to consider food allergies you need to be up front about it. You will have some rude individuals that just don’t get it but most will appreciate knowing. Many never even realize the depth of allergies. Also having something available in the class that would be special for times like that would help avoid him being left out. We as parents need to be proactive for our children.
I wish you would have given suggestions on snacks that a child with food allergies could eat so that parents can consider sending that as a snack for the whole class. How are we supposed to know what to send if the parent never offers suggestions? I think other parents would definitely be more considerate of food allergies if they had suggestions they could go off of.
As a mom who truly cares about all the kids in my daughters classroom – we have a child that cannot have anything with preservatives and a child with a severe nut allergy. So when their birthday came around in November, I made sure to talk to both of the children’s mom’s and ask what specifically I could do for treats so that their children could participate. Thing is – cupcakes are cheap!!! A lot cheaper than doing a fruit tray or getting a bag of apples and tubs of caramel dip….But I chose to pick foods that each of the kids could have. And what happens??? One of the children turned their nose up at the treat, walked up by the teacher’s desk, and grabbed a treat that is kept back there for when the other parent’s don’t think about allergies. So, I made my girls take treats that they really didn’t want to take, just so that this one could eat the same thing and not be left out, and they go and grab something that no one else has……so I totally understand where moms with food allergy kids are coming from – but I also understand where all the rest of the parents are coming from too!