So often we utter this response when asked how we are. A simple, friendly “How are you?” is well-meaning. I appreciate someone asking me, someone wanting to know about my well-being. So the typical “I’m fine.” can be taken at face value. Fine, not great, not horrible. I could be better, but I could also be worse.
It can also mean a rainbow of other things. I find that most often, I won’t say how I’m really feeling unless prodded or being asked by someone very close and dear to me. Many of us have been raised to be nice and agreeable, and it’s nicer not to reveal what’s going on under the surface. An “I’m fine.” is the tip of the iceberg.
For me, it can mean I’m under stress. Maybe I’m just hanging on by a thread. Sometimes, a lot lately to be honest, I’m freaking out but trying not to show it or dwell on it. It means I’m sad, but I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe because I don’t know you very well or I don’t want to think about it right now. It might mean I’m less than 100% and I don’t know how to fully recharge.
“I’m fine.” could be my way of covering up that really, I’m struggling. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I’m actually not fine, and I haven’t been for a while. It could be that I know you’re not fine either, but we can’t unpack all of that in this exact moment. Maybe it means I want to scream into the void. Maybe it means I recently had a good, cathartic cry. It could mean I don’t want you to judge me based on my current state of emotional health.
Sometimes, “I’m fine.” means my kids are within earshot and if they hear how I really am, they’ll internalize it. I don’t want them to know how scared and helpless I feel. And I need their world to seem stable and safe right now, especially in these times when there is so much uncertainty.
But I’m burned out and overwhelmed. I’d like to just be whelmed for a while (’90s kids will get that joke). I’m trying to juggle 200 things right now. I’m trying to keep my head from imploding. And bonus, I hate asking for help!
I’m not saying you should stop asking people how they are. I’m not saying, follow it up with “How are you REALLY?” unless you think it’s appropriate. Please just know, “fine” can mean more than it implies. “Fine” might mean let’s move on from me and talk about anything else. “I’m fine.” probably means I don’t want to get into it at the moment. And that should be just fine.
