I’m a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and a baby. Recently, the baby hit a milestone I’d been dreading for months: the crossover from Will Sleep Anytime/Anywhere to Must Be In Crib at Nap Time OR ELSE.
Up until this point, the three of us had been happily skipping all over town during the day. We went to story hours, hung out at the library, participated in classes, swung by the gym, and ran errands. The toddler stayed entertained (aka generally well-behaved), the little one snoozed in his car seat, and I felt like Kate Winslet at the bow of the Titanic.
But then everything changed.
I’m one of those Type A busybody freaks, so I was always determined to be a mom who “did things” with her kids. Sure, it was nice for them, but also, I figured I’d need it to keep myself sane.
I told myself I would not let the crippling logistics of it all drag me down. I’d patiently pack diaper bags, fold strollers into trunks, strap kids into car seats, run back in for forgotten things, pull out of the driveway, pull back in to grab other forgotten things, scream-sing songs in the car to distract impatient kids, find parking spots, unload kids, battle weather conditions, distribute emergency snacks, pay entry fees, fill out release forms, nurse in public…all in the name of FAMILY FUN.
And, of course, I would never let rigid kid schedules dictate our lives.
But the Nap Problem really derailed me.
It turns out that all of the patience and good intentions in the world just can’t keep a baby from screaming his head off if he’d like to be sleeping in his crib (on his tummy, thank you very much) but instead finds himself strapped into his car seat on some dumb mommy/toddler adventure.
I tried to fight it at first. We’d go anyway, and I’d just pray for miracles. The baby would sometimes fall asleep in his car seat on the way, but somehow, the second I turned the car off, those big, round eyes would fly open—and stay open.
And then I’d pay for it, either with a mid-trip fussy baby or a post-trip overtired baby (I’m not sure which is worse). By the time we got home, I’d be overtired and fussy myself, and I’d think the most dreaded post-outing thought: “That wasn’t even worth it.”
And so, we are home now. Much more than before. Much more than I’d like to be.
I mean, yes, I’m a stay-at-home mom. My job is to stay at home. Boo-hoo that I have to actually do that, right?
What pains me about it is that I know I’m not the only mom in this position. I know we’re all trapped in our separate houses, with our happily sleeping babies and unhappily bouncing-off-the-walls toddlers. If only we all lived in a giant commune where we could just put our babies to bed (in their own beds) and then rendezvous in the middle to have adult conversations while our toddlers entertained each other. Right?
(Can that be a thing without it being weird? Maybe I’m just living in the wrong culture. Or the wrong century. Or both.)
And, of course, I feel bad for my toddler. He hasn’t been to the dance class I signed him up for (6 months ago, when life was different) in weeks, because the timing is just too tricky with his little brother’s naps.
It’s not that I’m anal about adhering to kids’ schedules to the minute. (Believe me!) If I thought my little one could get by on a short nap or a late nap or a skipped nap, I’d be all over it. But experience has shown that, in most cases, that doesn’t work for him. And disregarding his needs just doesn’t seem fair to him.
So for right now, the Nap is the boss.
I know that this will be even harder in the summer—I’m nervous about that. But I also know that, at some point, things will change. The baby will be less reliant on his morning nap, and then he’ll drop it altogether. (Funny how the loss of a nap feels like a win!)
Until then, my coping strategies are:
- Do the best we can with the nap-free windows we have. The time crunch requires even more planning than usual, but if I watch the clock, we can still make outings work.
- Dig deeper than ever into my creativity bucket. My toddler isn’t big on Pinterest projects, but if I put my back into it, we can kill a whole hour with a couple cars and a flat surface. (Ok, half an hour. Ok, 15 minutes. Ok, 10.)
- Don’t stress about the extra screen time the toddler gets when my creativity runs out. My sanity is still important.
- Hold my breath and hold on. As with any stage, I know that this one, too, shall pass.
Can any other mamas out there relate?
How do you handle the nap trap?
Thanks for this! I was feeling a little alone in this. I mean, I don’t have a toddler. Just the one. But I felt like everyone else was able to go out and do whatever they wanted with a sleeping child, while I was homebound. It didn’t help that my family thinks I’m just being crazy about a schedule (which I wish I didn’t need to be). It’s just nice to know I’m not the only one.
Yes yes yes! Reading your words makes me feel like you were in my head. Thank you for helping me not feel alone in my thinking.
I was a slave to the naps until just a few months ago when my son turned 3 and started dropping his nap! The rigidness of keeping the nap time(s) was infuriating when he was tiny and napping 2-3x a day. I missed out on so much because everything seemed to conflict with nap time. But things definitely got better once he finally dropped to one nap at 18 months. Now, after almost 3 years of “preserving the nap at all costs”, the frequent napless days are so freeing!! Though let me tell you, that downtime for me was hard to give up at first! I’m definitely glad that we won’t be adding any newborns to the mix and going through it all again.
I just wrote a post yesterday about my little’s sleep schedule.
http://oneruudmom.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-truth-aboutcalebs-sleep-schedule.html?m=0
I can totally relate but I find comfort in the trap. Granted I only have one kid at home at the moment, I enjoy having a set routine. I know when we can leave the house and it’s not often. But as you said, this too shall pass. Great post. Made me giggle. I respect that you set your extroverted needs aside for your little ones but can still admit it’s not your favorite. Thank you for this real and honest perspective.
I think being a SAHM of young kids is a lonely time. For many reasons.
As other ladies have suggested, I too highly recommend Babywearing. Life is soooo much easier.
As a mom of 4 I can honestly say I could not survive without wearing my youngest.
I know it’s hard keeping a toddler entertained while a baby naps. For me I had to keep a non napping 3 year old entertained; My babies are all 3 years apart.
By the time 6 months ahead rolled around I had a 3 1/2 year old who was involved in out of the house activities, so baby never got much choice. Because as I looked at it, I didn’t think it was fair to my out going 3 year old that we had to miss play dates and other activities because of baby’s nap or early bed time.
To this day with a 10, 7, 4 and almost 2 year old baby’s nap is still something that has to happen on the go or wherever. My oldest are in plenty of things so the youngest have to learn that bed time happens when it does, and if you want to nap, just do it where you are.
One more thing to consider regarding schedules, as an adult there is never going to be a time when you can go to bed the same time every night, and if you are traveling certainly not in the same bed every night. It’s a good thing for kids to learn that they have to be able to handle changing schedules. And learning that as a kid will better prepare them to be a well adjusted adult in that area. Naps can be at varied times and bed time dosnt have to happen right on the dot of ___o’clock every night. Something I have noticed practicing this in our life is: my kids are not cranky when they miss a nap, or when they are up later some night.
My kids have a routine, it’s just not dictated by the clock.
Another thing to consider, having kids means they need to adjust to your life style. You shouldn’t adjust your life to theirs. They are way more flexible than adults, let them use that ability, it’s for the best.
You are NOT alone–my friends and I (half)joke all the time about starting some sort of sister-wife commune so we could all catch a break here and there! It’s too bad that the nuclear family structure most of us around here adhere to ends up making us feel so isolated.
It’s like you wrote what I was thinking 6 months ago! It’s so nice to hear that I’m not the only one that felt so trapped by my LO’s naps! Thank you so much for sharing and good luck!
Even though my three children are grown I still remember the nap time dilemma. I had one who would take 3-4 hour naps. Talk about strapped to the house! Can you afford someone to come in one day a week? Even that is a relief. I needed a break so badly that I got a part-time job and most of my salary went to the lady who came to my house. (Don’t judge). I needed adult time and it made me a better mommy and wife! A lot of children are pretty resilient and will sleep anywhere–stroller or car seat. If they aren’t sound happens I guess it’s harder and you might as well give up. During the summer, maybe you can hire a high school girl to come in half a day a couple of days a week. A lot of girls look for babysitting jobs over the summer. How nice to get paid while a child slept!
I am like you too! But naps are sacred and necessary here. I learned to stop being quite so busy! So freeing! http://www.abundantmama.com/savoringslow/
although I still have one that requires one nap a day, this post reminded me about how I struggled so much with my eldest son’s naps. By age 2 he stopped wanting to nap and we were still desperately trying to make him nap. Nap times were a battle each time. It’d take us an hour before he falls asleep in his bed. Then he sleeps for 1/2hr-1hr only. He used to fall asleep quite easily in the car so we’d resort to that method a lot. Drive around until he falls asleep. Until one day it was taking a over 30min drive. Sometimes when the weather was hot/cold and we’d have to leave the engine running. I said to myself “no more of this none-sense.” This is a waste of my time and non-Eco friendly. At age 3 he stopped needing naps and we were out of the woods. I felt so relieved. I hated nap times because it just stressed me out.
Thank goodness it’s easier with my second child. He’s 3 and he can nap easily. Mostly in his bed, so we are also home trapped by him. But I ain’t complaining.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JhEHS4plCx0
You can live in co-housing! Love this idea for having a built in support network for moms at home with babes!
I feel your nap pain. I’m trying to navigate the transition between 2 naps and 1 right now. It’s a fine line!!