So you’re here. For whatever reason the papers have been filed and you are now embarking on a new life. Often, and especially if this was not your doing, people can absolutely lose their ever loving minds in divorce. It starts off fine and them BAM, the wheels fall off and it’s like pms city all day every day. You know, when your mouth and feelings have been hijacked and you don’t even realize what has happened until its over? Yeah, that happens and while you may not be able to stop the overflow of emotions every time you can learn how to reduce the stimuli and be more control your response.
Numero uno…do not, I repeat do not stalk them or their accomplices on social media. This will only leave you feeling all the feels you are not trying to feel. Something I’ve noticed when people go through a break-up or divorce is all of the sudden they become social media gurus and tend to over exaggerate and flaunt their fabulousness all over the social world. Let me tell you. It’s not real. Well, non of it really is but in this case it is wildly over done…most likely they are doing it for your benefit. They want to put on a show and hope that you have a front row seat. Just don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Also, let your dream team friends know that sending you screenshots of your ex on social media is off limits. They mean well and while it may feel good in the moment it will only leave you feeling worse in the long run.
Second, find your people and let them surround you with love and support. Now, an interesting tidbit on this one…your people here may be different from the ones who you have counted on before the break-up. It may be that they were mutual friends or that they just don’t really understand what you are going through. If this is the case please know that this is ok and completely normal. It is not you and you didn’t do anything wrong. Some friendships are made for certain places and times in life. This may be a time that you find new people, people who get it and can show up fully to support you. Be open to new people and experiences and be graceful with your friends who don’t understand…this is a new chapter for all of you.
Now for number three. How you show up to your ex, your kids and your life is important. The thoughts you have, the words you choose and the actions you take, they all matter.
I personally love the less is more approach. It is not necessary or needed to share the details with every single person you meet. Especially if this is a less than perfect dissolution of your relationship. It may feel cathartic in the moment but it opens up the flood gates for this being your only topic of conversation.
Pick your people, pick your space and put it there. Talking, feeling and sharing are a way of healing but so is making sure it’s being done with the right people. Blasting your ex on your Facebook page for instance, it may feel good to have everyone rally in your comments on how great you are but that’s not really the place for this kind of information. There are lots of ways to heal and move forward that don’t involve planting seeds of your personal life with people you are not personal with.
To name a few you could get a therapist, I love mine. There are divorce coaches. Your mother, father, aunt, gym bestie or sister are all great places that you can give your feelings to.
These are just a few ways to go about not losing your mind in a divorce. I know because I have been there…mind lost and all. I have done all the things I said not to and all the things I said to do. I’ve listened to clients and friends who have all found themselves in this space and by doing these things and taking care of their mental, physical and emotional health they have made it through to the other side in one piece. The pieces may be in different places but they are together and they are ok and you will be ok too.