My 3-year-old son is extremely cautious.
I’m not talking, like, hesitantly dipping his toes in the water before entering a wading pool cautious. I’m talking running in the opposite direction SCREAMING at the suggestion of approaching a wading pool cautious.
He does a lot of sitting on the sidelines, avoiding activities most kids go crazy for (slides, bounce houses, ride-on toys, sprinklers…)
If he has not done something before, you can expect resistance to trying it. He’s curious about new things, but he’s more than happy to satisfy that curiosity by watching from a distance.
Now. I know what you’re thinking…
THAT. IS. AWESOME! PLEASE tell me you’re not going to complain about this “problem”!
Sure, in some ways, cautiousness can be nice. It’s true that he rarely gets hurt, and he’s never had a serious injury—compare that to my friend Betsy, whose poor boy was in a spica cast for months. (I would definitely not wish for that awful scenario!)
But since this is parenting we’re talking about, there’s always a flip side.
Like, for example…
–For his 3rd birthday, we bought him a small bike with training wheels. That was 8 months ago, and I think he’s briefly sat on it twice.
–This past summer, our neighbors had a slip ‘n slide party. While the other kids flew down the slide all day, our son played quietly along the edge.
–On a recent Dells trip, he wouldn’t go NEAR the waterslide that 18-month-olds were zipping down (much less the larger one my husband had been so excited to take him down).
–Once, his grandpa bought a cute little tractor, and he wouldn’t even go near it. Meanwhile, his (identically aged) cousin zoomed around the driveway on it for hours.
–When the neighbor boy offered to let him try his motorized car, he literally screamed and ran away.
Here’s the thing.
We love our son deeply, as he is, and this cautiousness quirk is one of the things that makes him that person. So we would never call it an actual “problem.”
We would just like to see him become a bit (or a lot) more adventurous.
Part of the reason is that we know he would love all of these new things, if he could just get past that scary first time. (Case in point: this past summer, to our amazement, he randomly found it in himself to try out a bounce house. And. He. LOVED. It!)
But also: one of the biggest joys of parenthood is watching your kids have fun and discover new things in life. So yes, we selfishly want to see him having more fun.
When you have children (especially when you have your first child) you can’t help coming into it with certain expectations. So when those expectations are thrown on their heads—“wait, my kid is scared of…sprinklers?”—it’s confusing, and a little frustrating.
The first time we got to see our son go down a slide with a smile on his face, his similarly-aged kid friends had been doing it for months (and months and months), and I felt this weird urge to suppress my excitement. To act that like that was completely normal for him. (Why?!)
I’ve always been wary of events with “kid-friendly” activities, knowing that there’s a very real possibility that my son won’t try the majority of them, and that it could end up being a huge waste of time, energy, and money.
Anytime I hear a mom complain about her kid being “fearless,” I feel a little twinge of jealousy. Just a little. We always want what we don’t have, right?
The good news is that we’ve seen huge progress in our cautious kiddo.
In addition to the bounce house victory this summer, he also summoned up the bravery to ride carnival rides for the first time. (And. Loved. Them.) He still doesn’t ride pedal bikes, but he will sit on them and walk around. And he’s surprisingly comfortable around big animals these days.
The lesson I’ve learned through this is something that’s important for all of us moms to remember:
Raise the kid you have.
For me, that means understanding my son and helping him navigate things that are hard for him.
–When he’s about to face something new, my husband and I know we have to talk about it a lot in advance. We describe exactly what will happen and (if it’s a fun thing) how awesome it’ll be, or (if it’s a scary thing—like the dentist) how brave we know he’s going to be. This past summer, we often heard him parroting the phrase “It’s not scary—it’s fun!”
–We also know that we have to be much less pushy than our parenting instincts tell us to be. We try to present new things in a downplayed, zero-pressure way, then step back and let him discover them at his own pace. Which is typically glaaaacial. (Let me tell you…this ain’t easy.)
–Finally, we try to find the right balance between backing off and nudging. There are definitely times when he could benefit from some healthy nudging, and we’re getting better at determining when those times are.
–We love organized preschool. (Peer pressure can be a GREAT thing!)
Our second son is nothing like his brother. He’ll look at me and smile before diving headfirst down the stairs. The other day, I caught him sitting on the floor happily munching a DEAD FLY.
So I think we might get our wild child experience, yet.
And I’m sure I’ll look at him every now and then and think (SILENTLY), “Why can’t you be a little more careful, like your brother?”
I love this post because my daughter was the cautious child too. She preferred to observe new things from a distance and then decide if she wanted to try. And often, she’d get the courage to try and bail at the last minute. We wanted to see her joy in all the things all the other kids were doing. Finally, I had to step back and realize that she was so joyful in watching. Just that, gave her joy and fun, watching other kids enjoy themselves. So we backed off and let her do things at her pace. She’s now 4 and it was like someone flipped a switch, she’s adventurous! And even things she’s never tried, she’s really great at them. I think it’s because she spent so much time studying HOW to do thing. It’s incredible. Now her little brother, fearless… it’s rather terrifying. Ha ha! So many other parents would try to get us to make her do stuff or try to talk her into doing it. I’m glad we let her go at her own pace. It’s not about the other kids or their parents, it’s about the experience your kid is having and if they are enjoying it.
Such great points Tracy, and thanks for sharing about your little girl! How interesting about the switch flip!
I just wanted to express my appreciation with the articles you write I am a first time mom and everything with my 2 year old son worries me is he is suppose to eat this way, why is he bot doing what the other child has done I say that to say reading your material has helped tremendously take the edge off.Thank you Thank you and thank you☺
I really enjoyed your post because my 5 yo is just as you describe. He has gotten better about trying new things but still no pedal bike. He still won’t climb the ladder at the playground but I can tell he is thinking about it. He is observant and will watch until he is comfortable. I noticed you have a food allergic son. Mine is as well. I have always wondered if having food allergies has made him go about life more cautiously. Have you noticed that with your allergic child?
YES I’ve wondered if there’s a connection there too. This is the child with food allergies I’m writing about here. I guess it’s good that they’re cautious, considering that, right? I’m happy to hear your son is getting more comfortable with time!
Have you ever thought about getting him tested for a sensory disorder? He may have one to some degree and occupational therapy may work wonders for him! Just a suggestion
Hi there! This post made me feel a lot better. My 2.5 year old son is very cautious. He also has food allergies coincidentally (7 of the top 8). He didn’t go down the slide for the first time on his own until after he was 2 years old (someone at his preschool actually asked me if I’ve ever taken him to a park because he’s so hesitant at the school playground), wouldn’t walk without holding a hand until 18 months and actually still can’t jump. ???? Of course I love him with all my heart, but it does get frustrating to wait until he’s ready to try something new sometimes. I’m glad to see other parents share the same struggles. Thank you for sharing your experience.
You described my child perfectly! I was told by so call “helpful” people my child had a problem. I was confused by their judgement considering my daughter has great motor skills and can pick up things fast when she was to do something.
This is just like my first and second. My older daughter is so cautious(she still got a cast for a month though just by walking! Nobody knows what happened so weird). I just find that sh is extremely aware about herself and the situation more than even most adults, when she “analyzation” is positive, she’ll all in a sudden go for it! She is also very very logical, once my husband gave her(2.5) a whole lecture of gravity and human body to convince her to do the somersault in the gym class, surely she probably didn’t understand it, but “knowing” there is factual logic in this activity gave her so much comfort and confidence. My little one would really do anything that seems fun, and she seems to have so much more fun in her life than her older sister. Hope they can compliment each other through their life.
Love this post! Our 3 year old son is just like this! He also seems to be braver when other kids aren’t around which makes things like bounce houses or fall festivals, or public events difficult to navigate! We often feel bad, like he’s missing out, or not having fun, but we’ve learned that’s just how we see it. Sometimes his fun is watching others hit a piñata or go swimming and he still feels part of it.
Hi, I am Margaret Rodgers. Thanks for your great article. I am very much cautious about my raising child. Actually, My kids are zeal of playing with the bounce house. It’s good for kids health and helps to grow up very well. And When I see their joy knew no bounds then, I feel very happy. I think they are much more secure than the toys you might give your kids. Toy parts can be harmful if swallowed and this is not the case with any bouncy products. My doctors have also said that kids who want to grow taller should be consistent in jumping and reaching for higher objects this stretches out the bones improving their height.
Thank you so much for this!!! It makes me feel so much better as a mother, that I’m not doing something wrong. Every, literally every, child our family is close to has been the no fear, will try anything kid. I have been low key and blatantly mom shamed about my son’s cautiousness making me feel like I am doing something wrong. My son has also been shamed or left out because of his cautiousness. He just does things at his pace on his terms. So, thank you for making me feel not so much like a failure.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m experiencing this same thing with my 3 yr old son, like I could have written this! I’m curious now that it’s years later, has he grown out of it? Is he riding bikes and enjoying splash pads? Does he still approach new (age appropriate) situations with caution? Thanks!