To My First Baby Before My Second Baby Arrives

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Good Morning My Sweet Baby,

Yesterday we had one of those big emotion days that all 4 ½ year olds have, those days where we have things to do and places to be, but it all can wait because it is clear that all you need is mama 100% today. You climbed up into my lap and grabbed onto my necklace made from your thumbprint, just like you have since I can remember. Your safe spot. My safe spot. We snuggled into each other like two puzzle pieces that so easily fit together. It’s always been so natural, you and I close together as we work through everything. We are a team made of such an intense love. As I sat thinking how nice it would be to stay in this sweet moment forever, the two of us connected so deeply, your brother kicked inside me and I realized that in less that a month there will be one more in this snuggle pile. Our whole world is going to change, and while I am beyond excited to meet your little brother and watch you transform into the amazing big sister I know you will be, I can’t help but feel such intense emotions that the days of just you and I are quickly coming to an end. There is no way either of us can prepare ourselves for the next chapter, but I want you to know that I am always your mama, and you, my sweet girl, will always still be my baby.

Even with the addition of a new baby, I promise you will always be my baby.

It was almost 5 ½ years ago that I saw that second line on the pregnancy test quickly appear one snowy Thursday morning. I have such a vivid memory of that moment, where my whole body and life transformed in just one minute. To say it was joy is an understatement. I knew right then that no matter what, I would give my life for you. My whole soul opened up at the possibility of you, and as I sat and looked up what your due date would be I just started to cry. This was what I had waited my whole life for, you, my baby.

The months of pregnancy went by slowly, most of it spent over the toilet or waiting for test after test. It was such a difficult time, but not for a minute did I doubt my love for you. The growth in my heart mirrored your growth in my stomach. I spent hours just talking to you, soaking in each kick. I counted down the months, then the weeks, then the days. All I wanted was to hold you in my arms and give you all the love you deserved. All I wanted was to meet my baby.

The best day of my life was the day I became your mama and no matter how much you grow, you will always be my baby.

The day you were born was the absolute best day of my life. I can still feel how my heart burst when they put you in my arms. I remember that instant that we first met eyes. It felt as though all was right in the world. Everything around us disappeared and it was just me and you. Two spirits that were meant to be, finally united on earth. I couldn’t let you go. All the hardships of life immediately disappeared. Every pain I had ever endured had led me to that moment, the moment of becoming your mom. I had found my purpose. I had found the meaning of life. Everything I had spent years trying to figure out finally made sense. You and I were meant for each other. Mama and baby.

The days of postpartum are a blur, but what is crystal clear in my memory is you. Your long tiny toes. Your big blue eyes. The weight of your fragile body in my arms. That feeling like a limb was missing even for those few minutes daddy had you to change your diaper. I was scared to have you out my sight, it didn’t feel right to be apart. My job was to protect you and love you. What if I failed? What if you needed me? Being a new mom was terrifying, and you and I were paving a new path together. It was all uncharted territory for us. But you gave me a strength that I never knew I had. An endurance fueled by my absolute love for you. I knew I would do anything for you, and I promise you, my baby, that will never change.

I don’t know where time has gone, but I do know that it is such a privilege to watch you grow. And my heart, well it just keeps getting bigger and bigger just like you.

They say the years go by quickly, and you don’t know how true that is until you step back and see how much your own baby has grown. From first steps to first days of school- it’s not always easy but it is always worth it. That same love that fueled me through that sleepless hard first year still fuels me today. My heart continues to grow as I watch you grow. Every time I wake up and feel your little arms reach for a morning hug. When I witness your kindness and empathy towards others. And oh how my heart breaks each time I drop you off at preschool and realize that my little girl who used to need me for everything doesn’t need me quite as much any more. But I know at the end of the day, we will always need each other. In those quiet moments before you enter dreamland, it’s still just you and me. Our bond glowing as strong as the stars above us. And maybe the rhythm of those bedtimes will change, but  I can promise you that  I am still going to be right there next to you, watching as you peacefully drift to sleep, just as I have always done since that first night we became us, my baby and me.

My girl, you are the most incredible human I have ever met. You amaze me daily, always thinking of others and embracing everyone you meet. You believe in those around you, and can make anyone smile with your beautiful imagination and curious mind. You’re an old soul, often wiser than I could ever be. You are smart and strong, soaking up every inch of the world and leaving it a better place. Every day with you is a gift, an adventure, and you fill my life with beautiful and unforgettable moments. I glow just thinking about how your little brother will look up to you, and I know how blessed he will be to be loved so fiercely by such an incredible and caring human. He will see the person I see. He will love the person I love. And as I sit back and watch the bond between you two grow and intensify, my heart will grow and ache in the way only a moms heart can. My babies, forever.

You’ve made me a better woman and have shaped every inch of me. You remind me of the important things in life and show me a strength I can only hope to emulate and give back to you.

To say you have changed me in every way possible is an understatement. You have shaped me into not only the mom I am, but the woman I have become. You have pulled out of me a strength that I never knew I had residing inside. A fierceness and a voice that is so important for me to share so that you know how important your voice is too. You have taught me to love and embrace all of myself, because I never want you to question your own worth or love. I have learned that I have to take care of all of me, body, mind, and soul, because I want you to see the value of that for yourself. You learn and imitate me- so I therefore want to do my best for me so you always will do your best for you. Because when I look at you I see the most incredible soul that I’ve ever encountered, and never do I want you to doubt or question all that is so amazing about you. You are the good that reminds me to see the good in the world. You are the kindness that reminds me kindness is always the answer. You’ve been my teacher and my guide, and of course, always my baby.

There are some BIG changes ahead, but you and me, we are always meant to be.

I know it feels scary to go into this next adventure not knowing exactly what is going to happen. I too am scared. And I have moments when I wonder if with all the changes, will you question the love I have for you? I can promise you that my love for you will always be there and only grow. That love pulses through every part of my being, it gives me life. And I know that will never change. My love for you is the truest thing I have ever known. My heart only grows to allow your baby brother in. It will only continue to explode as I see you with him. Never could even a morsel of the love I have for you fade or transfer hands. So yes, it will be different, but it will be even better. I promise we will still have our adventures; we will still conquer the world. My heart and my arms will still hold you like they have since the day you were born. And they will also hold your brother. My ability to love will only double. For this new baby and for you, always my baby.

This next adventure will be like none we’ve ever experienced, but we will do it together. And I will always be with you, right by your side, because no matter what, you will always be my baby.

So, my sweet girl, my Kennedy, my elf, here is to us. To our next adventure together, and we will do it together. There will be hard moments. There will be big feelings. But I promise there will always be that space in my arms, and in my heart, where your sweet precious hands can grasp onto my necklace while I stroke your hair and tuck your head so perfectly under mine. Because no matter what, you will always and forever be, my sweet baby. 

I love you more than the universe times a trillion,

Mama

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Kathryn
Kathryn is a stay at home mom to her smart and spirited 5 year old daughter Kennedy, her new baby Croix, and three furry pets. After finishing grad school in NYC, Kathryn decided to embrace the cold and move to Madison. Despite plans to only live here for one year, she fell in love with her husband Joe and all the city has to offer. After a childhood of moving around internationally, she has enjoyed putting down roots in Madison but still loves to travel as much as possible. When not adventuring with her family, you can find Kathryn running around her neighborhood and local trails, writing with a strong cup of coffee, or making a mess baking in the kitchen with her kids.

3 COMMENTS

  1. Beautiful writing, I love it and shared! I can relay so much with my own life, a 5.5 year old girl and a 8 months old son. Every word of this piece reflects how I feel about my little girl, she is very loving, smart, curious and wonderful in every possible way to a mother’s eye. I hope to meet you someday!

    • Thank you so much for reading Lucy! If you ever see me then stop and say hi! Sounds like our girls would get along great!

      • Thank you so much for writing EXACTLY what I felt, and continue to feel. My daughter will be 5 in a month, and we just welcomed our own baby boy 2 months ago. I had and continue to have the same worries about the future, but will NEVER change my feelings for my daughter. My favorite part of every day is laying on bed with her reading a story, talking, and snuggling as she drifts off to sleep. I lay there every night and look at her sleeping, just in awe of what a wonderful thoughtful loving person she is. Once our son was born, my love for her exploded. She is the best big sister, as I knew she would be, and loves her brother with her whole heart. I LOVE watching the two of them together and cannot wait to see how they grow together. Again, thank you for putting it into words.

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